Gordita In The City

Last night I had the wonderful pleasure of going to a popular gay club in Boston called Machine... and I was delighted to find out that not only did they have gogo boxes ... but they had dancing poles!  Now, for a girl of not-so-tiny size... I'm pretty gutsy without the need of copious amounts of alcohol, drugs, or an exotic locale.  I am famous for incidents such as the Viva Las Vegas Banjo Bounce Dance and other bouts of fun. As usual... if you don't want to read my drivel... scroll down for 'Gordita in the City's Audacious Dancing To-Do List"

I really don't care how most people perceive it.  Yes, we can get into all the phallic implications of stripper poles and get into a heated debate about propriety - but that is not what this blog is about. We are going to be celebrating liberation I suppose? I guess I figure if I'm going to be so narcissistic to have you reading about  my life and worldview ... it better be nominally entertaining.  I consider last night to be a real Gordita In The City moment, celebrating the birthday of Central Square's most infamous Spanish Anarchist who shall remain nameless. We started off with beers at the Middle East and then off in a cab where I fell in love with a pair of puta red leather gloves that belonged to the girl that one of my best guy friend's is dating (okay... that's confusing!)

At Machine:

In terms of the Kinsey Level of gayness at Machine... I'll say a Kinsey 4, in comparison to Santa Monica Blvd (West Hollywood).   I mean... despite me celebrating my official 5 Year Singleversary, I didn't really care whether or not I would be picking up on guys or not.. it was about having fun (plus all the straight guys at the joint were in my group anyway).

When I found out that the stripper poles were open to use by ANYBODY as long as the go-go dancers weren't in need, I literally started awkwardly hopping up and down for joy.  In a very ADD-esque moment, I jumped on the box and immediately started testing the strength of the pole only to find out that ... IT SPINS!!!  Now... I'm already attracted to shiny fun things, but shiny fun things that spin... AND are on an elevated surface... I was flipping for joy... Until that moment washed over my POV.

Inside Gordita's Head at Moment of Discovering Free-for-all stripper pole:
 Ohh.... shiny! Okay... it holds me - check.  Spinny- spinny - try not to fall. Shit. There is a really skinny girl on the pole next to me - no biggie.  Wait. She's kind of cute.  Who cares, its a gay club - everyone is happy here.  What if I fall...OMG its going to be like Scarlet Takes a Tumble!!!     Noooooooo! Omg.. I'm gonna be that fat attention-whore at the club.. Mo, get a grip. This is fun, nobody cares. Fun. Fun. That's it - you enjoy this sort of stuff because you don't do it at home.  But what if I fall? STFU, get on the pole and show it whose boss.. But i'm Scared... FU GO GIRL!!

I held my breath and let myself spin on the pole to test it out and hoping I wasn't going to fall on my ass. Let me tell you, if you haven't tried one of these things... it is a lot of fun.  I see it as a big kid's merry-go-round.  When I get up there, it has nothing to do with me being sexy.. it's about what I like to call the "Weeeee Factor" also known as... innocent kid fun. It took a few moments to get into the swing of things... but I enjoyed it.

My mom always taught me that if you are going to do something, never do it half-ass.  After awhile, I asked the gogo dancer how to do a basic pole move and she taught me.  For a moment I thought, "I'm too heavy... no way I can do that on the pole," after I got over my own insecurity in the moment.. I shut up and actually tried and guess what? I did it! I slid my hands on the cold stainless steel, jumped, and clamped onto the pole by crossing my thighs tightly as the girl showed me.  I practiced a few times and then had the idea that it would be fun to try dancing on the pole with a scarf. I borrowed a scarf and used it as a prop and rope at the same time. Sooner than you would know it, my girls were joining me and even a gay guy from the dance floor joined my dance.  I hopped off of the box and went over the bar for a drink when I was stopped by a group of ridiculously attractive guys (no they were not straight).

Guy 1: I loved your dancing, you're not stopping are you? 
Guy 2: Omg, so much better than that twig right there - somebody needs to give Britney Spears over there a fucking hamburger.
Me: She's cute - maybe she's just -
Guy 1:  She looks disgusting, probably strung out on drugs wishing she moved like you. Where did you learn how to do that?
Me: I just hopped on the box cause it was fun?
Guy 3: I'd go straight for you if vagina didn't weird me out.
Guy 2: You should be a dancer here.

Needless to say, I walked away from them a bit stunned and flattered.  In my head, I saw this crazy chick who was just having fun.  These guys ... who don't even subscribe to my gender thought I was actually kind of hot. The encounter showed the disparity between my inner thoughts and public perception.  Yes, maybe the skinny go-go dancer that taught me the move looked more graceful than me and could probably do much better acrobatics.. but I could learn that.  Maybe there were people who didn't like the idea of me being on that box... but guess what? The world doesn't care enough to really have me monumentally matter to the point of the entire club stopping and saying "Bitch, get off the box!" I got back on the pole again, had more fun with the scarf.. kind of doing this peek a boo / using it as a support rope to do funny stuff.  At one point... I did fall on the corner of the box as if I fell onto a saddle and felt the equivalent of a guy getting kneed in the nuts because someone got in my way..( cough, cough, you know who you are). 

At the end of the night, I went home with my girl Kat and we tumbled into bed. After making a bagel and laughing about skipping the afterparty, I fell asleep on her couch reading a travel guide to Europe.  I guess I wanted to dream about going to Spain and all that Jazz. I woke up this morning with the WORST bruises on my thighs and arms. I guess if you are going to play hard, you pay the price.  I really understand why exotic dancers and burlesque dancers look smacked up. Its not from back-breaking sex... or pimps... but you try slamming your body weight against chairs or steel for a few hours and see how you look.

I mean - I had a blast. I've had nights where I went to Saddle Ranch in Studio City, CA  dancing on top of the bar with girls that had way cuter outfits and more fit bodies than me and guys actually would give me dollars because I was a good dancer. From the outside - it might look like I'm drunk and in need of some missing attention , most times, I just like dancing on bars and go-go boxes because there is more dancing space and it's much cooler than the sweaty dance floor.  So I guess, if other girls read this - and there should be a take-away message... its that "sexy" is that it is all about the three "g's" Glamour, Guts, and Grace.  It had nothing to do with size or even looks so much.  I might throw out the word "skinny" alot like it's an epithet, but this applies to ANY girl.  Even some of my tiny girlfriends have issues about their weight or looking a certain way. In a way, nights like last night give me hope that there is some love out there for everyone. Me being on that box was all about transcendence (yes.. I'm making that big of a deal with it... deal with that!).  For a few minutes, you surrender yourself to your own energy, the synergy of those around you, and wallow in awesomeness.

The truth is nobody is born fabulous, you grow into it with some confidence and gumption. I'm the last girl that you are going to see walking down the street with a midriff top, but guess what? I enjoy Belly Dancing, dancing Burlesque (yes.. all inclusive), and now pole dancing is on my list of sexy/cool things I want to learn. So are big girls and stripper poles a good mix... ABSOLUTELY! Not only do you have permission, I think there should be a movement of flesh on the dance floor.  Jiggles and everything because as I said to my friends at Emerson, "Ain't no mountain high enough, bitches!"

So because I like lists... I'm going to give you my Pole Dancing / Mo's Acts of Audacious random BS to do list.



Gordita in the City's Audacious Dancing To-Do List:

1.  Fall with grace:  Yes - you are going to fall especially if you are heavier and you don't have a good handle on moves. This is what me and my friends affectionately call "Mo's Roll /Bounce".  If you have to fall, try to fall into a cheerleader pose, thigh down to cushion the rest of your body, then ROLL or tumble to get yourself in a better position to be steady, and BOUNCE back up to disguise the fact that it wasn't on purpose.  Easier said than done - the point is if you land on the floor mid-sexy move, arch your back, give a sexy smile and come up slowly and gracefully as if saying, "I got this - I'm so fly I take it to the floor and get away with it"

2. Remember You are the girl that can get away with it:  I know this sounds weird and new agey.. but attitude is everything. The more nervous and unsure you act, the more people will look at you like you are crazy. Plaster a sexy mischievous smile on your face, some downward glances, a few well-timed laughs and you are golden. 

3. If you are going to that dance floor.. you have to employ the "Get-away Booty" move and use your ass to clear a nice enough space to achieve your dancing splendor.  The purpose of this is to say... "Guess what, I'm here and I'm getting crazy so watch or get hit".  You might get a few weird looks... but using your butt instead of your shoulders to clear space is a wiser overall move because it is non-invasive and not perceived as aggressive. More fights and irritated people are started because somebody was too dumb to think that pushing was actually polite.  Pick a spot, start moving your hips in an exaggerated way as if you don't notice other people and trust me... they will move. You can also use that move to pick up on cuties.

4. USE PROPS!!  I can't stress this enough... especially if you are self-conscious of  your looks. If its interesting, it is a conversation piece and a flirting tool. My personal favorite is a scarf/shawl.  You can use it to lasso people in, tie it on your waist to hide a bulge, use it to clear space, if you rip your jeans you can cover the hole, dance with it in a way that looks visually stunning and distracts from your body.. hats are also fun ... especially fedoras and the like where you can take them and put them on other people. Girls and guys LOVE hats... especially cool ones.

5. Don't do a back bend or arch unless you are absolutely sure you have the upper body strength to not fall back. Most of the time it looks tacky and slutty unless you are with a group of people you trust.  It is usually not the most flattering angle for your body anyway... and really only shows off that you may have potential sex skills.

6. If you are unsure of how to dance, follow the bass beat.  You are better off dancing slow than dancing like a jerky crazy white girl with no dance moves (yes... I used a stereotype).  At the end of the day, moving your hips and counting a 1-2 side step looks much better than trying to coordinate your upper body (the part most non-dancers have trouble with).

7. Don't be afraid of 90's dances like the Macarena or running-man. With the right attitude... tacky party dances are cool and will work in forming a circle and accolades.   If you notice, you can get away with ANYTHING as long as you set a tone that this is okay and you don't care. Notice I didn't say oblivious... pay attention to reactions .. but follow your instincts. You are doing what most people WISH they had the balls to do.  I bet you anything if you start doing this during an obviously nineties song... people will jump in because they are waiting for a social cue for it to be okay.  So.. be a trendsetter ...not stepper.

8. For gogo boxes, bars , and Poles: BEFORE you get fabulous shaking your ass, test the surface and the leg spacing. Girls fall off of shit because they don't pay attention to the surface.  Make sure its dry, all glasses are far away from you, and that you have reserved just enough space to maneuver side to side.  When you get up, make sure you ask management or the nearest bouncer... you don't want to be THAT girl. When you are dancing... be respectful, It's not a contest.  Take your time and get into a groove that works for you. Just because the girl next to you is pumping her booty out and clapping it doesn't mean that it will look good or even be right if you do it.  At the end of the day, you know what you are capable of ... on top of a bar with limited space is not the time to try new and crazy things. 

9. For god sakes - Unless you are doing ball room dancing or salsa... leave the dresses at home.  Even if they are long, dirty dancing in a dress is just wrong.  It sends the wrong message.  Wear leggings or jeans... I prefer leggings because of flexibility.  Dancing on a bar in a dress sends the wrong message, bending forward in a dress with a guy humping you from behind is better left to the bedroom.  It's common sense, but you don't want to be limited by your clothing.  Think about this... a club is so crowded... when do you ever see anyone's feet?  Wear sensible heels 2-3 inches at the most if you are planning on dancing.  You don't look cute taking your shoes off or bouncing side to side because your feet hurt.

10.  To stay on Poles and guys that pick you up - The key to staying on a pole or a guy is to clamp your thighs and keep the space small and tight.  Do squats if you need to, but its not in your arms (that's your weakest part).  You will have to use your upper thighs, not the part near your knees. If you have ever been on a mechanical bull, you should know the feeling.  If you feel off balance, adjust your hips, NOT your chest.  If you must and you can reach, clamp your ankles. If you feel yourself sliding past the point of no return.  Cheat your strongest leg down and curl your abdomen to keep your center of gravity. .. If you are on a guy, you can even make that move fun.


Anyway, that's my rant... keep it sexy - and classy ladies.

Well, well... well - I promised a relationship post to someone so here it is .. Enjoy :)

I guess I'm technically back on the dating wagon. After all, it took Edison half a million failures to finally invent the light bulb.  I guess it means I get to make it through a few dozen duds to land a stud (ok...seriously bad pun ...blame the lack of sleep). I can't say I'm really looking for a relationship since I'm moving back to California sometime in the next year and I don't do too well with being very serious.

It's no huge secret that I'm a huge fan of online dating, yes I said it - I'm a fan dammit.  The way I see it, I'm so busy with school and life that sometimes I find logging into a computer much easier than mustering the energy and budget to stumble into a bar. However, with online dating comes an entirely different breed of male I'm not used to ... ethnically diverse and possibly emotionally available.  One can assume that if a guy is on a dating website and took the time to write an eloquent profile... he probably wants something kind of substantial.

The funny part is that I have mostly dated Hispanic guys or some form of half-breed bastardization of it.  Sure I have probably gone on a ton of one-time dates with white boys - but nothing really serious. I mean one could say S and B were technically white (they are my half and halfers) since they weren't very in tune with their heritage - but they were certainly embracing and welcoming of it since they are from LA. I have parents that would STRONGLY PREFER that I stay within my culture (or go white) and in a way that can sort of blow. Not that my family wouldn't acclimate themselves to whoever I bring home - but the idea of kids with curlier hair than mine kind of freaks out my mom and dad - and they can blame that on their parents.

I mean think of marriage (yes its a leap ... but think about the fact that I intend on hyphenating my name. This could be a mess that looks like the following:

Monique Alvarado-Johnson
Monique Alvarado-Ying
Monique Alvarado-Rangarajan
Monique Alvarado-Kostantinopoulos
Monique Alvarado-Asminov
Monique Alvarado-Al'Jaladin
Monique Alvarado-Sweitzer
Monique Alvarado-Ngobowegango e. I

 or simply... Monique Alvarado-Garcia





Personally, I'm open to all cultures and creeds... but its kind of scary to "date outside the taco" (or empanada). Culture is a huge part of my life and if I ever have kids... its going to be a huger part.  I mean, it rubs me the wrong way when I hear some guys say  - "Damn... what a nice mix you have".. like I'm some sort of exotic designer dog.  I want to be treated like a normal human being, but I feel with interracial / intercultural dating - there is always a level of fetishism and exoticism that takes placemean, how do you keep it from being awkward? At the very least, a valuable aspect I look for in a male is CULTURAL SENSITIVITY! I mean, I get it if the dude can't stomach chile, never spoke Spanish in his life, and has crappy dancing skills - that isn't what matters.  In the area of intercultural dating, cultural sensitivity is a must. 

On my end, I'm lucky that I'm a huge culture-ho since its an interest area of mine. In another life I must have been an anthropologist. If I were to date a Jewish guy - he wouldn't need to explain shabbats, high holidays, or kosher guidelines - I know them and could make a pretty mean matzoh ball soup; If it was an Asian guy...I have Chinese New Year traditions memorized and  hell I grew up in Alhambra, CA... enough said!; I like enough bluegrass and Americana to get me through to All-American country boys, I'm fascinated with Middle Eastern religion and traditions... I could seriously date the world (okay... that was pretty cocky of me to say). I would never subscribe to any idea of  "improving the race" or keeping it close ... just not in the family - but it does have a set of issues attached to it like all relationships do. I guess I know the problem wouldn't be me. Any guy who seriously wants to date me would have to be comfortable with some of the cultural values I hold and on top of that... at least ATTEMPT to interact. I have this funny vision of what I would like my life to be like. 

Sometime in 20??... in the future

Weekly family/friend gatherings that revolve around playing poker, loteria, watching sports games, making large amounts of Mexican/Cuban/Puerto Rican food while consuming obscene amounts of alcohol and good music. Traveling to said countries of origin and Spain.  I'm probably going to be that girl that blasts gangster rap, salsa, or Mexican corridos while cleaning the house and dancing. I enjoy loud company, Rum and good Tequila... I'm going to learn how to dance flamenco properly... and if I have kids... cultural activities will be a biggie and I will speak to them in Spanish so they can be bi-lingual. 

I know its kind of loaded... and maybe shallow - but that's a lifestyle choice that someone would have to fit into. I have a big extended family that means the world to me and are not going anywhere anytime soon.Sure they would be dating me.. but also partly my "family" since they are a huge part of my life.  I have complete faith that it can and does work. For instance, my best friend Yosemite Sara  is dating a wonderful guy who is Belizean.  Sure he's a bit dorky and you can't expect him to speak a lick of Spanish - but he is very supportive and very willing to be a part of whatever she throws at him.

Obviously this isn't a solely Latino dilemma.  Sometimes its culture, other times its religion.  Either way this xenophobia is enough to keep many people from accepting anything outside of their comfort zone.  So - I have 3 guys in my in box that are racially mixed or black.  I'm going to totally message them back and secretly pray that one of them is at least Dominican or Puerto Rican.  See, that's the funny thing about Hispanics - we come in all colors and races. I'm hoping for that - because I would dig the cultural connection. I mean, so what if my family would be shocked if I brought home a guy darker than me:?  If the guy spoke Spanish, shared the culture, or at least showed some effort - nobody would blink an eye.

Here is a short list of WHAT NOT TO DO if you are trying to date a nice Latina Gal:

1. STOP CAPITALIZING ON THE HOT SEXY LATINA STEREO TYPE!!

2. I understand that you have maybe never dated outside of a typical American gal... but for goodness sake, I speak English well and I'm not going to start dancing around like Rita Moreno in West Side Story. 

3. If my parents are illegal - its none of your god damn business so DON'T ASK unless offered.

4. Yes, I probably know how to cook alot of good Latin American dishes - please don't invite yourself or assume I will be cooking you beans and rice - If you do... I'll probably flip you a cold cheeseburger on stale bread so you leave me alone.

5. Just because I'm beige doesn't mean I'm all "Viva La Raza!"... Surprisingly ... Dora the Explorer probably knows more Spanish and Culture than some hispanic girls do.


6. No, sex isn't better with me because I'm exotic - its because whoever you screwed before sucked and I have perfected my skills for personal development.

7. I might be  Catholic and I believe in Birth Control.. but then again ... I might just be an atheist - why don't you ask and not assume. 

8. If you F**** dare compare me to Jessica Alba, JLo, Salma Hayek, or America Ferrara, Adriana Lima, Eva Longoria, or Eva Mendes... you are done.

9. No - I'm not going to kill you in your sleep if you cheat on me, nor am I going to go to some witch doctor to do some hechiceras...It will be like magic to see how quickly your shit disappears from my house though.  


10. Don't pretend like you know about my culture .. etc... admit your naivete and you will be so much better for it. The best thing to do (unless you legit are into it) is to STFU and observe me and my family.  Chances are we will like you better .


So.. that's tonight's rant... until next time - damn this post sucks!

Monique

This is a baby post so I'll keep it brief.  It's a new year and a new semester! Most importantly.. MY LAST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE! (at least until I decide to get my Master's Degree)

I'm so thrilled... Anyways.. just came back from California last week, got a whole bucket of drama that I'm processing from that (what else is new from Hollywood).. but the most important thing is that I'm back on the horse and working on re-dedicating to some of my goals.  I got some fresh ideas for this blog, even if it doesn't really go anywhere - I don't really care - I'm more concerned with the following goals this year: Balance, authenticity to myself, and emancipation from the past.

I'm excited to be letting go of a lot of old baggage.  Of course, I digress - It is never f**g easy - but I started by doing some of these things already.

1. Deleted every single ex-guy (except the 3 that are my close friends ) and dead end friend off of my phone and Outlook.

2. Starting to dump old emails in a mass exodus...yes... even the sentimental ones from people. (3,583 more to go)

3. Deleting old pictures from past relationships... time to clear the house on those - I seriously doubt I'm ever going to have use for old kissy face pix lol 

4. Taking an inventory of personal debts and working out a plan to pay them off when I'm flush again... really I had a plan for this back in November.. but then some stuff happened with work  - but that's another blog.

Basically my idea is this... I don't want to owe anything to noone! Not a penny, not a cent, not a memory, not a favor - nothing.  I really just want to be free from the past, I don't want to feel like anyone has anything to hold over my head or vice-versa.

Old angers, old upsets...heartbreaks - I'm just forgiving them in my balance book, accepting them as losses, with no intention on looking back unless I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO - of course in some cases this is easier said than done... but I'm tired of carrying the load, I have my own life and drama.

But these are all good happy things, I guess it comes with age and growing maturity, after awhile - Its okay to be selfish.  So.. Off to school to feed my short attention span with more knowledge =)

**Long.. but if you scroll past all the narrative there is some minor advice / tips that I've found helpful and is geared towards extreme beginners like myself. **

Midterms are next week, I have 2 - 7 page essays due, a 10 page story, and reading Huckleberry Finn, Madame Bovary, Notes from The Underground, and a few others to finish by Tuesday.  ADHD procrastination and panic is sinking in... so I took Dr. Hallowell's (the genius writer of Delivered from Distraction) advice to utilize exercise as a stress reliever. 

Imagine...Its Thursday, October 14th, 10PM ... a dark rainy night in Cambridge, MA

You plug in your iPod, strap in your sneakers, bump your music and you release.  Feet pounding on the pavement. The treads of your nice expensive, newly white sneakers mingle with the gritty texture of the jogging trail, making beats that David Guetta would envy. You are in the zone. Breath, breath, breathe, keep the pace, pump it up, slow it down. Man's best friend wags his tail, panting and looking up at you, wondering what kind of crazy person you are. Nothing matters.  

You are in the zone - then... WHACK!!  Your ankle bends to the side.  Next thing you know, you have rolled and subsequently careened into a group of kind of cute (and definitely unsuspecting) college guys. As you awkwardly get up.  Your cute dog decides that exact time is the ABSOLUTE PERFECT and necessary moment to take a poop as you apologize to the ever adorable (Nick) profusely for the intrusion. (No bone for you Azure!)

My best guy friend was right to laugh and regard me as absolutely clumsy when he caught me running awkwardly with my dog this summer in Cali. Its true, I'm a fish out of water when it comes to running. If you stick me in the water, I would put flipper to shame when it comes to swimming. On land - I have the grace of newly born Bambi.    


Flashback:
Running is not fun, especially when you have two busted up knees, weak ankles, and extra adipose tissue that jiggles and moves at will.  There is a special breed of person who has found it to be some strange form of Zen,  maybe running is a wonderful release, for me its a clumsy, beautiful nightmare. Since 1995, I have been doing every thing I can to avoid running.  Every PE class I had since Baldwin Elementary to San Gabriel High School, I have avoided it at all costs. I gave high school athletics a try at one point, eventually nature had different plans when I was diagnosed with an arrhythmia (irregular heartbeat... the kind of stuff that kills perfectly healthy athletes like this texas football player) after fainting and praying to the porcelain gods at practices and meets.  I was warned to not engage in strenuous cardiac activity, especially when I got chest pains.  At, that point - I was a sprightly 14 years old and 140 pounds. 

Back to the future / present: 

Unfortunately, as much as I would like to bask in my jiggly-ness and have everyone leave me alone - I happen to be an adrenaline junkie. I like to do things like wander into strange woods and jump off of extremely high cliffs, and I would love to do things like actual mountain biking, rock climbing, and outback trail hiking just because I love nature and its grittily amazing. Its not that my weight will stop me, but my endurance and physical fitness has a current limit. So, as I took up kickboxing, the shadowboxing and bags were good until we got to conditioning...

If you ever try actual MMA-style Muay Thai... not that bitch shit you get in your average Bally's or YMCA, you will find that most people.. while they can lift weights on machines and jog on a treadmill for an hour (I can do this on an elliptical trainer)... most people can barely handle their own body weight as form of resistance.  At SGHS, we had a PE teacher who was ripped, his sister (another trainer) came in... and even though she was tiny... she kicked his ass in calisthenics.  The best and hardest workouts I have had have come from manipulating and maneuvering my own body weight and being able to master that and have a good hold on that makes sense. If I'm going to be running up mountains and climbing over rocks, I have to be aware of my body and be able to use it (afterall... its not like being able to lift a 150 barbell is going to matter if I need to hoist my fat ass up a branch.. the weight is distributed differently).

So... regardless of my arrhythmia, screwed up joints, and natural resistance to exercise - I decided to stop making excuses and find a way to make up for my deficits.  I'm able to say.. I'll do this... even if it kills me (I've been technically dead once already...if I have Venus' genes... I have at least 7 more lives left).


So... You want to run? And you don't know where to get started? 

Well... instead of hearing an expert who can run a full 10k without breaking a sweat - maybe hearing it from someone who is going through the laborious pain and effort themselves might be a bit inspiring, in turn... maybe this will encourage me to try harder.. knowing that others can see the effort and might even ripple off changes of their own.  I know, this weird experiment of mine would be possible without being inspired by my guy friend who took a leap of faith... and actually accomplished and succeeded in what he set out to do. (Thank you for being oddly wonderful and sparking my fighter spirit)

1. Women: Its hard to start running if you are part of the big tittie committee.  So, I'm going to introduce you to your new best friend
This company based in SF, California specializes in sports gear for women. They have an EXCELLENT selection of sports bra's based on a barbell system for strength.: http://www.titlenine.com

 My personal favorite is the "Frog Bra"    Made out of a whopping 36%  Spandex... its the first and ONLY sports bra I have used that keeps it in and keeps it together.  I can run at a full pace in this thing with minimal bouncing. The largest boob size this thing can handle effectively is about a size 40 DD.  I usually layer another spandex/tight workout tank top that has a built in shelf bra for extra support.  Its strong enough to make me look flat chested (if you know me you might have seen this thing) .  Its not pretty and it mashes.. but it works.  If your name is Yosemite Sara, I would suggest the Enell "Last Resort Bra" which is better for those above a DDD.

2.  Bottoms:  For women... especially with thicker thighs. DO NOT RUN IN SHORTS (chafing hurts)! I know you might be self conscious of your rolls and not appreciative... but look.. if you are running, wearing baggy sweats is not the most comfortable or flattering thing to wear.  I've tried running in baggy sweats and most of the time (due to all the flapping about) I find myself fussing with the waistband, trying to keep my pants from falling down, rather than concentrating on my run or pace.  At the end of the day, it is personal preference, but try running in a pair of thick leggings. Not those yoga pants that are tight on the thigh but loose at the bottom, leggings... I find that they reduce friction and I feel lighter, plus, it is tight enough where I am not fussing with where anything is moving or stringy waist bands.

3. Shoes:  I cannot stress this enough. I know its tempting to just go to your local famous footwear or cheaper store and get a pair of whatever running shoes. Don't.  In my case, since I am heavier and have been injured, I have a low arch and I over-pronate.  Might sound like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo - but because I was running in crappy shoes (that weren't laced properly) I fell to my side and threw out my knee for a month.

Google a store in your area that specializes in running, take the time, spend the money (think of it as a 1-2 year investment on your health and possible embarrassment), and get fitted properly.  Nike IS NOT the end all and be all of running shoes.  Those cross trainers you wear are fine for aerobics but are pretty crappy for walking/running. I got a pair of the pictured Asics Gel Revolution 5's ... they have extra support on the instep for pronation and come in narrow AND wide widths.  I paid about $120 dollars and it was pretty weird the 1st few times since my feet weren't used to being supported properly... but I haven't fallen since and I can move much better.

3. Motivation and tracking: Make things easier on yourself.  My iPod is my life and they have made working out very friendly. Personally, I'm really frigging lazy.  Half the times I didn't work out or run was because I felt it was too tedious to keep track of time, distance, pace, etc etc.  Luckily... technology has changed that.

I have an iPod touch (***this also works with the iPhone 3g and 4) and I use the Nike Plus Sensor 

It's amazing... accurate... (much more than a pedometer) and has helped (so far) to keep me motivated. I'm a techie geek sure... but if it takes the guess work out of something that I already find laborious and complicated... might as well make it fun. In another blog I can extol on all the fun I am having with technology... but for no more than $30 its like having a coach right there with you. It warns you of things like half way points...3/4... keeps track of your fastest mile, 5k... etc... etc.

If you have an Android phone, download Worksmart's "cardio trainer"

It is free in the Android market and also the App Store for iPods & iPhones. My friend has been using this and he has had alot of success with it.  

5. A program: This is tricky... at this moment... in tandem with my Kickboxing classes I downloaded an app onto my iPod called "Couch to 5K" . So far I LOVE it. Its a pretty approachable 9 week program that you can integrate with the Nike Sensor... or purely on its own. There is a number of people who are staunch beginners and swear by it.  It is structured in 3 day a week, 30 minute runs.  You start off doing interval training (1st week is 90 seconds walking, 60 seconds running) and the app tells you when to run, when to walk, all while you are able to listen to your music etc. So far... its doing me good and is providing me a pretty simple structure that really isn't that intimidating. The goal is to be able to run a 3.1 mile in under 30 minutes at the end of the 9 weeks.

5. Pain and embarrassment:  Oh...yeah - You are going to hurt, you aren't going to want anybody seeing you jiggle or sweaty, and certainly looking ugly in your practical gear.  GET OVER IT! It might sound harsh... but the world beyond your friends and acquaintances doesn't really care enough about you to pay more than a few minutes attention to you. I careened into a group of guys... beyond the moment of contact and a laugh... they were onto the next thing and I walked off my limp. Nobody is really going to be looking at you for your whole work out saying... GOSH LOOK AT HOW FAT or GOSH look at how unfashionable that person looks... get in, get out, do your thing.

Joint Pain: Take 3 Ibuprofens an hour BEFORE you work out to help guard against inflammation. Drink tons of water and if you must, take glucosamine and chondroitin supplements... it works.

Weak ankles or shot knees:  Use a flexible brace with an open patella or a simple band that has a patella support.. most knee pain comes from this region due to inflammation of the tendon. Stretching will help... but the key is to prevent unnecessary movement of the joint.  For the ankle, a simple Rite-Aid wrap will do the trick.. Not pretty... but it will save you on your insurance.

Fatigue: Eat  a small amount of lean protein... not carbs... before you work out.  Especially if you are doing anaerobic exercise like interval training.  The carbs will burn off like crazy and you will be ravenous after... have a few nuts and some water handy for afterward. 



5. Encouragement: Its hard.  It sucks, you are going to hurt, your feet will hate you, your dog will try to trip you, people will make fun of you at times, but... its alright.  The key isn't to look at yourself as the next tri-athlete, its to get through the day and your workout. If you need to feel sorry for yourself for being an out of shape loser... feel it... acknowledge the pain... then just let it go.

Sure , visualizing yourself two months later thinner, more fit, etc at the end might motivate you, but it will also make you impatient, maybe even frustrated if you aren't seeing quick results.  Take solace in the small victories.  Today I was able to do every interval without stopping or catching a breath... its barely week one... but the fact that I stuck through that one little thing even though I wanted to stop made a big difference.

I'm going to get off my soapbox now.  I hope this is remotely helpful. At least for me, writing about it keeps me accountable and feeling somewhat useful.  If its any consolation...Azure is out of shape too, he barely keeps up with me, he has a weight loss goal of 1 pound according to his Vet.

Nite nite =)

Mo

 "Tell Monique that she is beautiful, talented, smart, engaging warm, enchanting, a doll...but unfortunately, most men do not have the intelligence to see past her body and see the beautiful amazing young woman she is and this will cause her alot of pain. She might get lucky and find someone enlightened, but they are far and few. Tell her if she just lost...."  (Ay dios mio! Me jodas cabron! Vete pa carajo!)


Well, Well, Well. Aren't we all told that there is someone out there for everyone? That we are all beautiful because its what is on the inside that counts?

Sorry... but if you are overweight in America, you are kind of assed out and you don't really count.  Sure there are a handful of people who will like you... but the grand majority would rather you shed a few pounds or prefer for you to give up your succulent booty for behind closed doors fat fantasy play, only to discard you for someone much less interesting, (but with a much lower BMI than you).

 Now... mind you...the man who stated this very much loved a woman who is the same size 18 as me (but of course... he is one of the enlightened ones who can see my inner beauty, right?).  Why would his opinion count? Who gives a shit? Because... unfortunately, prejudice against obesity is one of the last strongholds here in the United States.

1. I have a friend of mine who works on Newbury St (The Rodeo Dr. Of Boston) who tells me stories of how her bosses won't hire "unattractive girls"... I've yet to walk into a store that carries plus sizes.

2. I have friends who are server's that told me they have seen tables full of guys change their waitress if she was fat, one chubby waitress friend of mine has gotten stiffed on tips several times because the tip was intended for the "cute" hostess.

3. I was once told by a teacher of mine that my acting skills were superb and it was a shame that I was chubby since I had leading lady potential, but only if  I dropped down near 110 -120.

4. Don't even get me started on the litany of Seth Rogen-esque men I know who (despite admitting that they don't consider themselves to be top notch) would probably not like to date a girl their same size, unless under extenuating circumstances (another blog post to come).. (I'm not demonizing their personal choices.. its just interesting how the male brain works)

 Being chubbier... or Gordita ,if you will, is even more painful when it comes to your family.

I have family members (most of them are skinny or formerly skinny) who constantly remind me that I would be, "so much prettier" if I lost the weight.  To consider a tummy tuck, lap band, don't eat after six PM.  Once, one of them decided to take away half of my food  (a #1 from In and Out) and say.. "you've had enough... you don't need anymore."

Even my dad has looked at me with mild disgust or click of the tongue... telling me coldly that I could stand to skip a meal when I mention I'm hungry, look at the things I eat (even if it is something small)  and say, "Mija, you are overeating... you have an addiction - a problem.." (even if it was my 1st and ONLY MEAL OF THE FUCKING DAY! ). He is overweight himself and has his own issues. It isn't too much longer after that when he begins to laud my intelligence and other virtues.

Which segways into dating....

I'm not ugly.  I say this, not because of an inflated ego, but because people tell me ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME that I have a gorgeous/pretty/ cute/ face. Time and again, I'm told I'm photogenic.. etc.. etc. Sometimes people are even shocked to find out that I have been single for 5 years.

Honestly, sometimes I wish I was really ugly so people and men would just leave me the fuck alone. This may sound angry, but bear with me. If I hear another person tell me, "you're pretty, but you would be SOO HOT if you just lost a little bit of weight" - I might just bomb a small city in Kansas for shits and giggles.

Let me put it like this:  I'm 5'2,  206 pounds (I regained some weight during my peachy keen summer in California and its melting off thanks to WW just fine), I wear a size 16/18, and I have the same measurements around my chest as I do my hips making me a technical hourglass though my gut fights against that.

Most people think I carry my weight well - some even argue when I call myself "fat"... preferring that I use some euphemism like chubby, fluffy, thick, curvy...
nope - sorry folks - just fat.  I don't see it as an insult - I see it as the smacking and all-liberating truth...

yes I AM FAT!  Let's desensitize you now:
FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT!

According to the theory of Intersectional Invisibility (google it) , I'm marginalized three times over - I'm a female, minority, and overweight. At least in Boston... being female helps my dating life and being a minority lends me a sense of exoticism that some males tend to find appealing (That is a whole other blog post). That leaves me with "overweight."

Quite honestly, that really isn't much of an obstacle either... apparently, many different males have found me attractive ... many of them superb examples of cuteness themselves and NOT overweight. I have no problem getting males to pay attention to me, after all, I have enough things to say and natural endowments to come across as appealing. My gregarious and understanding nature makes it hard for anyone to have a bad date with me. I know if I put on some makeup and a dress, I will at least get 2 phone numbers and several solicitations for a night of fun.

Just the other day I had two douche bags from the BC Football team (one was absolutely gorgeous) trail me in a bar and continually solicit me for a romp with "Vanilla and Chocolate".  I said "Not interested, there are plenty of hotter chicks, stupider chicks in here you could talk to that will happily fall for your cheap lines" ... apparently getting shot down by the short chubby chick who wasn't impressed with his high paying broker job didn't sit well, because he told me I had just lost my chance at hooking up with "the best looking white guy in the room and would probably not get another offer else where".

I didn't ask for it, didn't talk to them,  I wasn't even remotely dressed revealingly... yet something signaled to these guys that I must be some kind of freak looking for a hot good time. Its interesting, because I meet SO MANY men who assume it is okay to talk to me like that. Several times... I have heard the disgusting, "Is it true fat girls are good in bed" or a lurid " I bet you can give a good blow job - I'm sure you can... you are hungry for some chorizo.. aren't you?" ... its DISGUSTING!

And if its not a disgusting drunk come-on, its a perfectly nice, well rounded guy who finds himself attracted to my personality and sense of humor.  Generally we have a good conversation, everything is wonderful... and then the truth comes out... he has never really been with a big girl... but I'm interesting. Later on, it will turn out that I'm very attractive, great friend material, and there is a ton of chemistry... he just can't put his finger as to why he couldn't date me. Normally this guy ends up bitching to me about how his (usually thinner but not necessarily pretty or interesting ) girlfriend treats him like shit, how he wishes she was basically me... and that I would find someone eventually - but I would have every guy all over me if I just dropped a "few" pounds.

 It bears some truth to what some of my chubby girlfriends and very honest best guy friends say about how chubby girls are like a moped, "fun to ride, but not in public."  That they will rarely get a man to take them seriously beyond being considered the occasional at home movie date or chick to chill with.

In this dismal, honest, sardonic, and pretty fucked up view of the world through chubby colored glasses, what does one do?

Well...that's a toughie. God willing, even if I lose all 66 pounds to get down to 140 (a perfectly healthy realistic size 12 for me).. the luster of that accomplishment will be taken away by the overwhelming fact that I did what society wanted me to do.  Even if I sit there all day and say the weight loss was for me... and it was my victory.. my desire... the reality is that the desire to change would have probably not have been as strong if people simply encouraged that I was beautiful the way I was and let me be.

I picture what my life would be like and I can only use the example of a girl I go to school with who did the same thing.  She was 250lbs,  and in one year, she dropped down to 140. 

Since then, More guys pay attention to her.. even ask her out on dates as opposed to "lets hang at my house"; People are nicer and offer her free stuff at stores, her clothes are cheaper and she has more energy.  But even with all that... she is miserable.

Once you have been fat.  You will always be fat. Nothing will ever erase the little chubby girl or boy you were inside.  Anytime a new guy pays attention to you, you will always ask yourself - "Is it me he really liked? Would he have ever paid attention to me if he saw the fat version?" 

When you eat or even overeat... you will worry that "the fat kid" will rage again and do everything you can to prevent it.. even if you made slow life changes and kept the weight off. 

Eventually, you will turn on the people who were just like you.  You say, "nope I won't.. I'll always be a fat person"... but you will make the same excuses to reject them, as people made to reject you when you were fat. Most people that lose weight would not consider dating an obese partner.  Mostly for the practical reasons of wanting to date a person who shares the same "health values," however, its okay, because you worked hard to get where you are at and everybody can change their circumstances...fat people who bitch and stay fat are simply lazy or not utilizing their options.

The way I see it, losing weight and becoming skinnier isn't a freedom... its just a roomier box. Once you know that place of hurt, degradation, pain, and suffering of having been fat... it never goes away - it numbs but you will always be hyper aware. You can put a silver plating on a penny... but it doesn't make it silver dollar.


I leave you with an analogy. When I was younger, I was left handed. My mother read in Dr. Spock that it is a "right-hand world" ...people who are left handed will always have trouble. Well guess what the crazy old bat did? She went against nature and trained me to be right handed, confusing me in the process.  How did I cope... I became ambidextrous. I learned to straddle that funny borderland and turn it into my own unique thing. I can write with both hands... but I'm loopy and creative like a left-handed weirdo.

Going back to the beginning.

1. Society agrees that I'm a catch...but I could improve.
(Thanks for the suggestions... take it up with my genes, hire me a personal trainer, and pay for my Weight Watchers since you are so generous to point it out...while you are at it... here is a list of things including your tact that you could improve on)

2. Most guys are too stupid not to be able to see past my body into the awesomeness that is Mo.
 (Gee, because I really want to date that guy?  If it means I have to be alone for awhile.. better alone than in stupid company.  How about you must be this "tall" to ride?  Guess what assholes... in 30 years when your libido has sank, you can't keep it up, your testosterone levels have dropped , and that skinny girl's body looks like mine, stretch marks and flab ... and believe me... it will.... you will be WISHING she had half of the interesting qualities that I ALREADY POSSESS at the tender young age of 25...plus I will look nearly a decade younger)

3. It's a skinny person's world.
(You see, that is why there are loud mouthed chicks like me who aren't afraid to break off and create their own insular communities...even if it serves the selfish purposes of making me feel better, the point is that.. even if I am the minority and most people would prefer me to conform, I take my happy little middle finger, cock it up with a smile and say god bless you, I'm here to stay.. and I'm not shutting up.  Stand up and use your voice! Now move out of my goddamn way!)



By the way...for the most part...Yes, the rumors are true... but that is another blog post.


Thanks for listening... next time... relationship advice geared towards McSexy or perhaps online dating... weigh in and fulfill my selfish needs for recognition and comment or at least discuss this nonsense.