This summer of 2010 marks my quarter-century on this good planet earth. Given that I am physically healthy and have most things in life to recommend me - I can proudly say... not a bad job Mo. I think there was once a time when people thought I would probably be on my second kid, have an acquired drug habit, and no direction at twenty-five years old given some of the things I've experienced over the years. So the question becomes, what progress have I made? What have I learned? Am I more adult now than I used to be?
Lets rewind to Five Years ago:
July 6th, 2005 - Location: East Los Angeles College, Little Theater
I was taking part in ELAC Theater's Summer Shakespeare workshop. In my opinion, I was having the most adventurous fun of my young adult life - I was staying up all hours of the night because I could, I was doing theater, I had a new boyfriend to be stupid in like/love with, School was working out, my mom was back home ... but under all that I was terrified. I was convinced that fun couldn't last that long. I was waiting for some other shoe to drop and for the happiness to extinguish. That night in the theater workshop - we were rehearsing for our showcase. For the first time in my life, I got cast as a "Juliet" and I was loving it. I was 19 years old and it was the day before my 20th birthday.
I spent the whole day thinking of all the selfish/kiddish things that I could do on my last night as a technical "teenager." In my mind, I was thinking that those hours before I would turn twenty would end a chapter of my life. As far as I was concerned, the idea of becoming twenty meant that I was making my official exit from the Neverland of adolescence to the world of adult seriousness (the strange deadlines I set for myself). I don't remember if I ever accomplished achieved the level of teenage mischief I desired that night - but I do remember spending the time after rehearsal scared. As my worldview was growing to include freedom, I felt adulthood closing in on me like a garrote.
Back to the present, it has been 5 years since then and I am so different. At 20, I was planning on attending Cal State Long Beach for English and then transferring to Law school in order to be an attorney by 26/27. Now, I find myself in Boston working my way towards graduating in the same degree at a small East Coast liberal-arts college full of hipsters. I'm surrounded by thousands of differing carbon-copies of my confused 19/20 year old self. I admit at times, I move amongst them with a bit of a lofty air of "been there, done that" because I'm older and by lot in life...less sheltered than many of them. At times, I'm appalled at my arrogance. Putting on airs as if I have lived a thousand years. I suppose I do it because I need to. I feel so different and isolated at that school, that differentiating myself through my life experience (since I never took pride at my academic achievement) seems to be the only way that I can find a modicum of security. At the end of the day, the fishbowl that we are groomed in High School and college to outgrow is still a fishbowl.
As a fish that has flopped between different schools, coasts, family dynamics, I am learning that the reality is that we are all floaters. This is not even a new or innovative thought, as much as I would like to believe it is. Yes, the proverbial ocean of a larger world does exist. It is a large and cavernous blue void that cares nothing for our small individual existence. To survive we flock together to create "schools," pie slices of categorization and culture to make ourselves feel better. I might be the unique flashy fish in my particular fish bowl - but there are a potential million other flashy fish just like me that exist in other fish bowls. That is a hard pill to swallow in a culture that prides itself on individualism and innovation. It's a depressing enough thought for most adults that they would probably rather chew a cyanide pill before admitting that they are a speck in the big scope of humanity.
I think this is what holy men and religious scholars talk about when it comes to true enlightenment or communion with "god". Maybe it really is about arriving to the point where you accept that attachment to the created and material world of the million human fishbowls is a complete myth. Being aware of that big blue ocean and humbling yourself is maybe the first step. There is a wonderful book that was given to me by my grandmother called "Hope For the Flowers". You could argue that very few people actually "grow-up" - that thought has all sort's of implications that I'd rather tackle on a different post.
So the point? Well, I keep hitting the glass of the fishbowl, stretching to jump out of my "school" - Maybe I need to start looking through the glass towards the ocean and learn to make waves to guide me out.
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Hopeless Romanticism: Love is a Bitch...and then you want some more!
Monday, March 7, 2011
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"Tell Monique that she is beautiful, talented, smart, engaging warm, enchanting, a doll...but unfortunately, most men do not have the intelligence to see past her body and see the beautiful amazing young woman she is and this will cause her alot of pain. She might get lucky and find someone enlightened, but they are far and few. Tell her if she just lost...." (Ay dios mio! Me jodas cabron! Vete pa carajo!)
Well, Well, Well. Aren't we all told that there is someone out there for everyone? That we are all beautiful because its what is on the inside that counts?
Sorry... but if you are overweight in America, you are kind of assed out and you don't really count. Sure there are a handful of people who will like you... but the grand majority would rather you shed a few pounds or prefer for you to give up your succulent booty for behind closed doors fat fantasy play, only to discard you for someone much less interesting, (but with a much lower BMI than you).
Now... mind you...the man who stated this very much loved a woman who is the same size 18 as me (but of course... he is one of the enlightened ones who can see my inner beauty, right?). Why would his opinion count? Who gives a shit? Because... unfortunately, prejudice against obesity is one of the last strongholds here in the United States.
1. I have a friend of mine who works on Newbury St (The Rodeo Dr. Of Boston) who tells me stories of how her bosses won't hire "unattractive girls"... I've yet to walk into a store that carries plus sizes.
2. I have friends who are server's that told me they have seen tables full of guys change their waitress if she was fat, one chubby waitress friend of mine has gotten stiffed on tips several times because the tip was intended for the "cute" hostess.
3. I was once told by a teacher of mine that my acting skills were superb and it was a shame that I was chubby since I had leading lady potential, but only if I dropped down near 110 -120.
4. Don't even get me started on the litany of Seth Rogen-esque men I know who (despite admitting that they don't consider themselves to be top notch) would probably not like to date a girl their same size, unless under extenuating circumstances (another blog post to come).. (I'm not demonizing their personal choices.. its just interesting how the male brain works)
Being chubbier... or Gordita ,if you will, is even more painful when it comes to your family.
I have family members (most of them are skinny or formerly skinny) who constantly remind me that I would be, "so much prettier" if I lost the weight. To consider a tummy tuck, lap band, don't eat after six PM. Once, one of them decided to take away half of my food (a #1 from In and Out) and say.. "you've had enough... you don't need anymore."
Even my dad has looked at me with mild disgust or click of the tongue... telling me coldly that I could stand to skip a meal when I mention I'm hungry, look at the things I eat (even if it is something small) and say, "Mija, you are overeating... you have an addiction - a problem.." (even if it was my 1st and ONLY MEAL OF THE FUCKING DAY! ). He is overweight himself and has his own issues. It isn't too much longer after that when he begins to laud my intelligence and other virtues.
Which segways into dating....
I'm not ugly. I say this, not because of an inflated ego, but because people tell me ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME that I have a gorgeous/pretty/ cute/ face. Time and again, I'm told I'm photogenic.. etc.. etc. Sometimes people are even shocked to find out that I have been single for 5 years.
Honestly, sometimes I wish I was really ugly so people and men would just leave me the fuck alone. This may sound angry, but bear with me. If I hear another person tell me, "you're pretty, but you would be SOO HOT if you just lost a little bit of weight" - I might just bomb a small city in Kansas for shits and giggles.
Let me put it like this: I'm 5'2, 206 pounds (I regained some weight during my peachy keen summer in California and its melting off thanks to WW just fine), I wear a size 16/18, and I have the same measurements around my chest as I do my hips making me a technical hourglass though my gut fights against that.
Most people think I carry my weight well - some even argue when I call myself "fat"... preferring that I use some euphemism like chubby, fluffy, thick, curvy...
nope - sorry folks - just fat. I don't see it as an insult - I see it as the smacking and all-liberating truth...
yes I AM FAT! Let's desensitize you now:
FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT!
According to the theory of Intersectional Invisibility (google it) , I'm marginalized three times over - I'm a female, minority, and overweight. At least in Boston... being female helps my dating life and being a minority lends me a sense of exoticism that some males tend to find appealing (That is a whole other blog post). That leaves me with "overweight."
Quite honestly, that really isn't much of an obstacle either... apparently, many different males have found me attractive ... many of them superb examples of cuteness themselves and NOT overweight. I have no problem getting males to pay attention to me, after all, I have enough things to say and natural endowments to come across as appealing. My gregarious and understanding nature makes it hard for anyone to have a bad date with me. I know if I put on some makeup and a dress, I will at least get 2 phone numbers and several solicitations for a night of fun.
Just the other day I had two douche bags from the BC Football team (one was absolutely gorgeous) trail me in a bar and continually solicit me for a romp with "Vanilla and Chocolate". I said "Not interested, there are plenty of hotter chicks, stupider chicks in here you could talk to that will happily fall for your cheap lines" ... apparently getting shot down by the short chubby chick who wasn't impressed with his high paying broker job didn't sit well, because he told me I had just lost my chance at hooking up with "the best looking white guy in the room and would probably not get another offer else where".
I didn't ask for it, didn't talk to them, I wasn't even remotely dressed revealingly... yet something signaled to these guys that I must be some kind of freak looking for a hot good time. Its interesting, because I meet SO MANY men who assume it is okay to talk to me like that. Several times... I have heard the disgusting, "Is it true fat girls are good in bed" or a lurid " I bet you can give a good blow job - I'm sure you can... you are hungry for some chorizo.. aren't you?" ... its DISGUSTING!
And if its not a disgusting drunk come-on, its a perfectly nice, well rounded guy who finds himself attracted to my personality and sense of humor. Generally we have a good conversation, everything is wonderful... and then the truth comes out... he has never really been with a big girl... but I'm interesting. Later on, it will turn out that I'm very attractive, great friend material, and there is a ton of chemistry... he just can't put his finger as to why he couldn't date me. Normally this guy ends up bitching to me about how his (usually thinner but not necessarily pretty or interesting ) girlfriend treats him like shit, how he wishes she was basically me... and that I would find someone eventually - but I would have every guy all over me if I just dropped a "few" pounds.
It bears some truth to what some of my chubby girlfriends and very honest best guy friends say about how chubby girls are like a moped, "fun to ride, but not in public." That they will rarely get a man to take them seriously beyond being considered the occasional at home movie date or chick to chill with.
In this dismal, honest, sardonic, and pretty fucked up view of the world through chubby colored glasses, what does one do?
Well...that's a toughie. God willing, even if I lose all 66 pounds to get down to 140 (a perfectly healthy realistic size 12 for me).. the luster of that accomplishment will be taken away by the overwhelming fact that I did what society wanted me to do. Even if I sit there all day and say the weight loss was for me... and it was my victory.. my desire... the reality is that the desire to change would have probably not have been as strong if people simply encouraged that I was beautiful the way I was and let me be.
I picture what my life would be like and I can only use the example of a girl I go to school with who did the same thing. She was 250lbs, and in one year, she dropped down to 140.
Since then, More guys pay attention to her.. even ask her out on dates as opposed to "lets hang at my house"; People are nicer and offer her free stuff at stores, her clothes are cheaper and she has more energy. But even with all that... she is miserable.
Once you have been fat. You will always be fat. Nothing will ever erase the little chubby girl or boy you were inside. Anytime a new guy pays attention to you, you will always ask yourself - "Is it me he really liked? Would he have ever paid attention to me if he saw the fat version?"
When you eat or even overeat... you will worry that "the fat kid" will rage again and do everything you can to prevent it.. even if you made slow life changes and kept the weight off.
Eventually, you will turn on the people who were just like you. You say, "nope I won't.. I'll always be a fat person"... but you will make the same excuses to reject them, as people made to reject you when you were fat. Most people that lose weight would not consider dating an obese partner. Mostly for the practical reasons of wanting to date a person who shares the same "health values," however, its okay, because you worked hard to get where you are at and everybody can change their circumstances...fat people who bitch and stay fat are simply lazy or not utilizing their options.
The way I see it, losing weight and becoming skinnier isn't a freedom... its just a roomier box. Once you know that place of hurt, degradation, pain, and suffering of having been fat... it never goes away - it numbs but you will always be hyper aware. You can put a silver plating on a penny... but it doesn't make it silver dollar.
I leave you with an analogy. When I was younger, I was left handed. My mother read in Dr. Spock that it is a "right-hand world" ...people who are left handed will always have trouble. Well guess what the crazy old bat did? She went against nature and trained me to be right handed, confusing me in the process. How did I cope... I became ambidextrous. I learned to straddle that funny borderland and turn it into my own unique thing. I can write with both hands... but I'm loopy and creative like a left-handed weirdo.
Going back to the beginning.
1. Society agrees that I'm a catch...but I could improve.
(Thanks for the suggestions... take it up with my genes, hire me a personal trainer, and pay for my Weight Watchers since you are so generous to point it out...while you are at it... here is a list of things including your tact that you could improve on)
2. Most guys are too stupid not to be able to see past my body into the awesomeness that is Mo.
(Gee, because I really want to date that guy? If it means I have to be alone for awhile.. better alone than in stupid company. How about you must be this "tall" to ride? Guess what assholes... in 30 years when your libido has sank, you can't keep it up, your testosterone levels have dropped , and that skinny girl's body looks like mine, stretch marks and flab ... and believe me... it will.... you will be WISHING she had half of the interesting qualities that I ALREADY POSSESS at the tender young age of 25...plus I will look nearly a decade younger)
3. It's a skinny person's world.
(You see, that is why there are loud mouthed chicks like me who aren't afraid to break off and create their own insular communities...even if it serves the selfish purposes of making me feel better, the point is that.. even if I am the minority and most people would prefer me to conform, I take my happy little middle finger, cock it up with a smile and say god bless you, I'm here to stay.. and I'm not shutting up. Stand up and use your voice! Now move out of my goddamn way!)
By the way...for the most part...Yes, the rumors are true... but that is another blog post.
Thanks for listening... next time... relationship advice geared towards McSexy or perhaps online dating... weigh in and fulfill my selfish needs for recognition and comment or at least discuss this nonsense.
