This summer of 2010 marks my quarter-century on this good planet earth. Given that I am physically healthy and have most things in life to recommend me - I can proudly say... not a bad job Mo. I think there was once a time when people thought I would probably be on my second kid, have an acquired drug habit, and no direction at twenty-five years old given some of the things I've experienced over the years. So the question becomes, what progress have I made? What have I learned? Am I more adult now than I used to be?
Lets rewind to Five Years ago:
July 6th, 2005 - Location: East Los Angeles College, Little Theater
I was taking part in ELAC Theater's Summer Shakespeare workshop. In my opinion, I was having the most adventurous fun of my young adult life - I was staying up all hours of the night because I could, I was doing theater, I had a new boyfriend to be stupid in like/love with, School was working out, my mom was back home ... but under all that I was terrified. I was convinced that fun couldn't last that long. I was waiting for some other shoe to drop and for the happiness to extinguish. That night in the theater workshop - we were rehearsing for our showcase. For the first time in my life, I got cast as a "Juliet" and I was loving it. I was 19 years old and it was the day before my 20th birthday.
I spent the whole day thinking of all the selfish/kiddish things that I could do on my last night as a technical "teenager." In my mind, I was thinking that those hours before I would turn twenty would end a chapter of my life. As far as I was concerned, the idea of becoming twenty meant that I was making my official exit from the Neverland of adolescence to the world of adult seriousness (the strange deadlines I set for myself). I don't remember if I ever accomplished achieved the level of teenage mischief I desired that night - but I do remember spending the time after rehearsal scared. As my worldview was growing to include freedom, I felt adulthood closing in on me like a garrote.
Back to the present, it has been 5 years since then and I am so different. At 20, I was planning on attending Cal State Long Beach for English and then transferring to Law school in order to be an attorney by 26/27. Now, I find myself in Boston working my way towards graduating in the same degree at a small East Coast liberal-arts college full of hipsters. I'm surrounded by thousands of differing carbon-copies of my confused 19/20 year old self. I admit at times, I move amongst them with a bit of a lofty air of "been there, done that" because I'm older and by lot in life...less sheltered than many of them. At times, I'm appalled at my arrogance. Putting on airs as if I have lived a thousand years. I suppose I do it because I need to. I feel so different and isolated at that school, that differentiating myself through my life experience (since I never took pride at my academic achievement) seems to be the only way that I can find a modicum of security. At the end of the day, the fishbowl that we are groomed in High School and college to outgrow is still a fishbowl.
As a fish that has flopped between different schools, coasts, family dynamics, I am learning that the reality is that we are all floaters. This is not even a new or innovative thought, as much as I would like to believe it is. Yes, the proverbial ocean of a larger world does exist. It is a large and cavernous blue void that cares nothing for our small individual existence. To survive we flock together to create "schools," pie slices of categorization and culture to make ourselves feel better. I might be the unique flashy fish in my particular fish bowl - but there are a potential million other flashy fish just like me that exist in other fish bowls. That is a hard pill to swallow in a culture that prides itself on individualism and innovation. It's a depressing enough thought for most adults that they would probably rather chew a cyanide pill before admitting that they are a speck in the big scope of humanity.
I think this is what holy men and religious scholars talk about when it comes to true enlightenment or communion with "god". Maybe it really is about arriving to the point where you accept that attachment to the created and material world of the million human fishbowls is a complete myth. Being aware of that big blue ocean and humbling yourself is maybe the first step. There is a wonderful book that was given to me by my grandmother called "Hope For the Flowers". You could argue that very few people actually "grow-up" - that thought has all sort's of implications that I'd rather tackle on a different post.
So the point? Well, I keep hitting the glass of the fishbowl, stretching to jump out of my "school" - Maybe I need to start looking through the glass towards the ocean and learn to make waves to guide me out.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Hopeless Romanticism: Love is a Bitch...and then you want some more!
Monday, March 7, 2011
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I guess I'm technically back on the dating wagon. After all, it took Edison half a million failures to finally invent the light bulb. I guess it means I get to make it through a few dozen duds to land a stud (ok...seriously bad pun ...blame the lack of sleep). I can't say I'm really looking for a relationship since I'm moving back to California sometime in the next year and I don't do too well with being very serious.
It's no huge secret that I'm a huge fan of online dating, yes I said it - I'm a fan dammit. The way I see it, I'm so busy with school and life that sometimes I find logging into a computer much easier than mustering the energy and budget to stumble into a bar. However, with online dating comes an entirely different breed of male I'm not used to ... ethnically diverse and possibly emotionally available. One can assume that if a guy is on a dating website and took the time to write an eloquent profile... he probably wants something kind of substantial.
The funny part is that I have mostly dated Hispanic guys or some form of half-breed bastardization of it. Sure I have probably gone on a ton of one-time dates with white boys - but nothing really serious. I mean one could say S and B were technically white (they are my half and halfers) since they weren't very in tune with their heritage - but they were certainly embracing and welcoming of it since they are from LA. I have parents that would STRONGLY PREFER that I stay within my culture (or go white) and in a way that can sort of blow. Not that my family wouldn't acclimate themselves to whoever I bring home - but the idea of kids with curlier hair than mine kind of freaks out my mom and dad - and they can blame that on their parents.
I mean think of marriage (yes its a leap ... but think about the fact that I intend on hyphenating my name. This could be a mess that looks like the following:
Monique Alvarado-Johnson
Monique Alvarado-Ying
Monique Alvarado-Rangarajan
Monique Alvarado-Kostantinopoulos
Monique Alvarado-Asminov
Monique Alvarado-Al'Jaladin
Monique Alvarado-Sweitzer
Monique Alvarado-Ngobowegango e. I
or simply... Monique Alvarado-Garcia
Personally, I'm open to all cultures and creeds... but its kind of scary to "date outside the taco" (or empanada). Culture is a huge part of my life and if I ever have kids... its going to be a huger part. I mean, it rubs me the wrong way when I hear some guys say - "Damn... what a nice mix you have".. like I'm some sort of exotic designer dog. I want to be treated like a normal human being, but I feel with interracial / intercultural dating - there is always a level of fetishism and exoticism that takes placemean, how do you keep it from being awkward? At the very least, a valuable aspect I look for in a male is CULTURAL SENSITIVITY! I mean, I get it if the dude can't stomach chile, never spoke Spanish in his life, and has crappy dancing skills - that isn't what matters. In the area of intercultural dating, cultural sensitivity is a must.
On my end, I'm lucky that I'm a huge culture-ho since its an interest area of mine. In another life I must have been an anthropologist. If I were to date a Jewish guy - he wouldn't need to explain shabbats, high holidays, or kosher guidelines - I know them and could make a pretty mean matzoh ball soup; If it was an Asian guy...I have Chinese New Year traditions memorized and hell I grew up in Alhambra, CA... enough said!; I like enough bluegrass and Americana to get me through to All-American country boys, I'm fascinated with Middle Eastern religion and traditions... I could seriously date the world (okay... that was pretty cocky of me to say). I would never subscribe to any idea of "improving the race" or keeping it close ... just not in the family - but it does have a set of issues attached to it like all relationships do. I guess I know the problem wouldn't be me. Any guy who seriously wants to date me would have to be comfortable with some of the cultural values I hold and on top of that... at least ATTEMPT to interact. I have this funny vision of what I would like my life to be like.
Sometime in 20??... in the future
Weekly family/friend gatherings that revolve around playing poker, loteria, watching sports games, making large amounts of Mexican/Cuban/Puerto Rican food while consuming obscene amounts of alcohol and good music. Traveling to said countries of origin and Spain. I'm probably going to be that girl that blasts gangster rap, salsa, or Mexican corridos while cleaning the house and dancing. I enjoy loud company, Rum and good Tequila... I'm going to learn how to dance flamenco properly... and if I have kids... cultural activities will be a biggie and I will speak to them in Spanish so they can be bi-lingual.
I know its kind of loaded... and maybe shallow - but that's a lifestyle choice that someone would have to fit into. I have a big extended family that means the world to me and are not going anywhere anytime soon.Sure they would be dating me.. but also partly my "family" since they are a huge part of my life. I have complete faith that it can and does work. For instance, my best friend Yosemite Sara is dating a wonderful guy who is Belizean. Sure he's a bit dorky and you can't expect him to speak a lick of Spanish - but he is very supportive and very willing to be a part of whatever she throws at him.
Obviously this isn't a solely Latino dilemma. Sometimes its culture, other times its religion. Either way this xenophobia is enough to keep many people from accepting anything outside of their comfort zone. So - I have 3 guys in my in box that are racially mixed or black. I'm going to totally message them back and secretly pray that one of them is at least Dominican or Puerto Rican. See, that's the funny thing about Hispanics - we come in all colors and races. I'm hoping for that - because I would dig the cultural connection. I mean, so what if my family would be shocked if I brought home a guy darker than me:? If the guy spoke Spanish, shared the culture, or at least showed some effort - nobody would blink an eye.
Here is a short list of WHAT NOT TO DO if you are trying to date a nice Latina Gal:
1. STOP CAPITALIZING ON THE HOT SEXY LATINA STEREO TYPE!!
2. I understand that you have maybe never dated outside of a typical American gal... but for goodness sake, I speak English well and I'm not going to start dancing around like Rita Moreno in West Side Story.
3. If my parents are illegal - its none of your god damn business so DON'T ASK unless offered.
4. Yes, I probably know how to cook alot of good Latin American dishes - please don't invite yourself or assume I will be cooking you beans and rice - If you do... I'll probably flip you a cold cheeseburger on stale bread so you leave me alone.
5. Just because I'm beige doesn't mean I'm all "Viva La Raza!"... Surprisingly ... Dora the Explorer probably knows more Spanish and Culture than some hispanic girls do.
6. No, sex isn't better with me because I'm exotic - its because whoever you screwed before sucked and I have perfected my skills for personal development.
7. I might be Catholic and I believe in Birth Control.. but then again ... I might just be an atheist - why don't you ask and not assume.
8. If you F**** dare compare me to Jessica Alba, JLo, Salma Hayek, or America Ferrara, Adriana Lima, Eva Longoria, or Eva Mendes... you are done.
9. No - I'm not going to kill you in your sleep if you cheat on me, nor am I going to go to some witch doctor to do some hechiceras...It will be like magic to see how quickly your shit disappears from my house though.
10. Don't pretend like you know about my culture .. etc... admit your naivete and you will be so much better for it. The best thing to do (unless you legit are into it) is to STFU and observe me and my family. Chances are we will like you better .
So.. that's tonight's rant... until next time - damn this post sucks!
Monique
So You Have No "Game"? Part 1 (for guys) - Initial Homework / Reading List
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
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I dedicate this blog to all my guy friends who consider themselves, nerdy, clueless, and overall stumped when it comes to women.
It's been a hot minute since the last time I wrote a blog (okay a god damn week!). I've been bogged down with mid-terms, so consider this my study break. If you are a guy reading my blog for the first time... you probably assume everything I write about is for women... WRONG!
Well, without insulting myself, my experience in the following social categories has given me an interesting range of inside knowledge:
a). DUFF - "Designated Ugly Fat Friend".. But actually... in some PUA circles.. I might be considered a "Fatty Tuna" or attractive chubby girl....now wait! Before you get your panties (or boxers) in a bunch, understand that I do not believe that for a second - but I've been through enough douche bags and Hollywood scene bars - to get this title thrown around a couple of times. - I usually see a RISE in the number of guys trying to hit on me at the end of the night or when my friends reject them. Which has allowed me keen insight on observing male desperation at its worst
b). The "Best Friend" - Most guys find it hard not to like me and make me one of their own.
c). "Wing Girl" - I've been helping my friends of both sexes get dates and get some since 1995...
d). The "Opener" - I have a knack for breaking down walls.
e). I dated a few Pick Up Artists and got to dabble at some of their workshops and seen them in action (Yes... that's right... I learned the tricks from the source)
f). I'm a Chick... I know what we want lol
Why am I doing this, what do I get out of it?
Really - I just like like to see people happy and as a marathon singleton, I understand the pain and frustration that often comes from a lack of knowledge, experience, and opportunity. My aim for you is to have a holistic (all encompassing) education on the subject of wooing.
***Women...Some of this may be good for you to pay attention to also... I will Asterisk it =)
So here are the rules to my classroom:
1. Be dedicated - I'm not accepting no half-ass shit here. If you are really serious about wanting to be a better lover, pick up artist, more interesting date, better boyfriend, blah blah or whatever your reason...then treat it like World Series "Texas Hold'em" ....All In
2. You will not use this advice or anything I say to intentionally harm or manipulate anybody. If I tell you something its to level the playing field.
3. Understand that like weight loss, this doesn't happen over night. You will need practice and a wagon full of gumption to get over your terrible habits - like being lazy.
4. Don't be a quitter.
5. Ask me questions, I can't give you proper advice if you don't open your damn mouth. I don't care how grody, nasty, embarrassing, private, silly, stupid, ridiculous, pathetic etc... that you think your question is, I might have somewhere to lead you.
6. If its on my assigned reading list... assume it is important and vital knowledge.
7. Be yourself . At the end of the day, nothing will get you further than this - but ... creative repackaging and branding never hurt anybody. Think same old comforting Oatmeal, snazzier box =)
8. Stop being a victim. Girls aren't out to screw you over, you just don't show that you value yourself and you just aren't making them work hard enough,.
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The first thing you need to know about "game" /seduction etc... is that it is an ART! Sure, some people are born with it and never need to resort to ridiculous things like reading blogs. Great sports players didn't start throwing 90mph pitches or scoring a million touchdowns from birth... it takes PRACTICE, especially if you are naturally clumsy and socially awkward.
You have a very unique advantage that women don't - looks don't matter all that much. Most women don't give a shit how you look (within reason), because status, ambition, and "interestingness" (I'll explain this later) get you further. With enough practice, you will be able to communicate these characteristics to females clearly and effectively without coming off as a cocky asshole.
In subsequent blogs I might adopt some abbreviations and terminology that is used by those that follow the PUA lifestyle (pick up artist). I'm choosing to use it so you can Google it at a later date and if you come across forums, you can more easily understand what is going on. I'll bold it and define it as I go along.
Lesson #1
1. What do women want more than anything?
The answer... whatever another woman has.
This means.. your attention, your time, your energy, your "good stuff", if the target (the girl you want) see's another woman in possession of any of these things... most of the time - it triggers a competitive response. Competition = attention = a spark (the spark can take many forms)=a designation of higher value of the "service" in question ... meaning .. YOU! Every girl likes to think she is special... once she knows she is special (without having really qualified herself)... its no longer fun. This goes against every piece of advice romance movies etc.. tell you. If you think giving that girl massages and free dinners is going to make her want you... you are soooooo wrong. This works with ANY WOMAN... your mother, your best gal pal, your girlfriend... it is an Achilles's heel.
* Your homework:
Test this out. Pick a girl in your life (preferably neutral / platonic) and make a list of all the special things and/or exceptions you do for her that she KNOWS are things that are "just for her." I don't care if its that "special movie" or something else.
Now... once you have that list, find a social opportunity where you can naturally mention you doing one or a number of those things with another female (real or made up). If you want to raise the stakes, do this in person with a friend or acquaintance of hers. For example... if Betty knows that she is the only one you call "babe" - call her friend "babe" nonchalantly in front of her. If your Grandma knows you never offer to clean the kitchen for her, offer to clean your Aunt's kitchen in front of her.
What you are looking for is a noticeable change in behavior. I'm telling you to do this with a platonic female, to demonstrate the point that even girls that are "neutralized" can get their attention grabbed by working on this one principle.
2. Everything you need to know about attraction, you learned in Kindergarten.
When we are children, we are at our most pure. Barriers and social boundaries aren't as ingrained - making children a perfect microcosm of what humans would be like if left purely to instinct and desire. Think about how boys and girls act on the playground. Teasing. YES! TEASING AND OPPOSITES! When you wanted little Suzie to chase you... you did what? Called her a big BOOGER FACE even though all you wanted was for her to pay attention to you. If you gave her a valentine - she didn't care... if you said she had cooties ...the chase was ON!
Your Homework:
* This is in two Parts
A). Go to a playground or elementary school, preferably kids between 5-10 - might be even better if you have access to younger cousins or a friend that works at a daycare or school. Watch them, listen, play, and take notes. It doesn't make you creepy - just pay attention to them - if its appropriate - play devil's advocate in getting some playful "boys vs girls" game playing going on. If people ask any questions, say you are taking a social psychology class.
B). The idea is to try this with a pretty girl that you don't know... but you can TRY it on a girl already in your social circle... it might not be as effective. Go out. Yes... go out as in social...not in your house...and not on the internet. Grow a pair of balls and go to a party, a bar, a concert, something... try it at your gym... on the subway.. whatever. Find a pretty or attractive girl, the kind that you find stupidly hot and that you would never have a chance with. I want you to do the following:
- Tell her hello, (Open her up by asking a question about what she is drinking, something about the venue, mistake her for someone you knew... I don't care... just DON'T offer to buy her a drink.. don't tell her someone noticed her... nothing... simple and non-chalant). Use your poker face and do not give her any sign that you are possibly attracted to her.
- Once you have her attention and she is socially receptive, say that you and your friends were having a debate on who is hotter.. Brunettes, Blondes, or Redheads... ask her opinion (most likely her answer will be whatever hair color she currently has).
- Whatever her answer is you like the opposite: You are going to make a disappointed face and say.. "Really, you think so? Personally, only ::insert whatever the opposite of her hair color is here:: do it for me, I never really cared for ::whatever her hair color is::"
- From here, I want you to notice her reaction. Did she roll her eyes and say "whatever" or did she make a "pouty face" and try to argue why her haircolor is better? (If she attempts to argue...this is a stage known as "qualifying" which I will explain later) If she starts to go into the "Well Brunettes / Blonds / Etc... are better", pause, pretend to think about it... shake your head with a playful .. "Nah" ... thank her for the conversation and walk away - don't turn around. Just go back to your business, you aren't aiming to get her number... you are simply doing research so the stakes don't really matter.
The goal is to keep this encounter under 5 minutes.
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Reasearch and Textbooks
Next - Your textbooks... yes... books. First rule of any war (because love is a war) is KNOW YOUR ENEMY ("target"). You have to learn how to think like them, know what makes them tick, know what makes them cry, what do they care about, what is their perception... their psychology. This portion will probably take the longest, but they are books that you should at least have working knowledge of and preferably read. If you know what girls are asking questions about... you can avoid being that question yourself.
Women are consumers of advice, we collect it, we savor it, we are wired to process millions of social cues and analytics that most men ignore. I don't care who the woman is... she has read or owned a self help book - or at least gleaned the advice columns of Cosmopolitan Magazine or Teen Mag etc..etc..etc.:
1. Relationship Advice Books
- "He's Just Not That Into You"
-written for women by a man... basically tells us why and when we should move on
http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288075344&sr=1-1
-"Be Honest: You're Just Not That Into Him Either"
http://www.amazon.com/Honest-Youre-Not-That-Into-Either/dp/0060834064/ref=pd_sim_b_3
-The argument for not settling for any old two-pump chump
- "Why Men Love Bitches"
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560/ref=pd_sim_b_4
self-explanatory
-"Why Men Marry Bitches"
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Marry-Bitches-Winning/dp/074327637X/ref=pd_sim_b_1
* even more self-explanatory
-The Rules
http://www.amazon.com/All-Rules-Time-tested-Secrets-Capturing/dp/0446618799/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1288075107&sr=8-1
***Aka.. the de facto Manual on how to manipulate a guy into wanting you and the best summation of all the power plays that manipulative women play in a very easy to read format
2. Human Sexuality
- The Red Queen: Sex and The Evolution of Human Nature
http://www.amazon.com/Red-Queen-Evolution-Human-Nature/dp/0060556579/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288075590&sr=1-2
*Read this to know why and what you are working with biologically, from a modern perspective
- The Science of Sex Appeal by the Discovery Channel (Video)
http://www.amazon.com/Science-Sex-Appeal-Discovery-Channel/dp/B002UJIY7K/ref=sr_1_cc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1288076828&sr=1-1-catcorr
* If you have Netflix you can watch this on your instant Queue...again, you need to have a HOLISTIC education... this fulfills the scientific portion - plus after you watch this... you might actually feel a little less pressure
- The COMPLETE Kama Sutra
http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Kama-Sutra-Unabridged-Translation/dp/0892814926/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288075757&sr=1-3
*I'm not just talking about having sex and crazy positions. The Kama Sutra was an ancient Vedic text on the Art of Pleasure... its not about Tantra.. "holy Sex" or mind blowing orgasms...It actually contains some very wise and practical advice on how to be the best kind of lover, how to listen, how to conduct your self... the subtle ways that you can give pleasure.. If you can ignore some of the anachronisms... EVERY PERSON should be required to read and study this seriously. Call it sex etiquette... In English it translates into "Aphorisms on Love" ... you can get it at the library or read it on google books... If for anything...it gives you interesting shit to discuss.
- She Comes First: A Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288076445&sr=1-1
*This is a great...and very fun read. I discovered it on one of my plane trips home (the guy next to me was reading it on the plane and left it behind). Needless to say... It is a very easy to understand HOW TO Guide on how to give oral sex and engage in foreplay. The author used to suffer from Erectile Dysfunction...so he's been in that awkward place... he is also funny and the same author of "Be Honest, You're Just Not That Into Him Either" ... All I can say is that this guy knows what he is talking about... you can understand him - and there are diagrams if you get confused. Women should read this.. because its kind of like a User's guide to having a va-jay-jay.. You learn nifty stuff like... Did you know the clitoris has 18 parts!!!?
Pick Up Artist Stuff
**Yes... I have read these books...some things I've even found useful myself. I have seen them in action and alot of the techniques will work on different types of women. But take caution - I don't recommend absorbing everything. It works, but unless you take caution... you will end up looking like a douche bag (like the guys I went out with)... some of the methods are outright manipulative, but they level the playing field. They are on this list because the idea is to have a HOLISTIC view on "The Game" from all perspectives... female, science, and male.
-Rules of The Game
http://www.amazon.com/Rules-Game-Neil-Strauss/dp/0061911690/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288076918&sr=1-3
**This is the male equivalent and answer to "The Rules"
- The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick Up Artists
http://www.amazon.com/Game-Penetrating-Secret-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738/ref=pd_sim_b_1
- Anything by "Mystery" **if you look at Amazon's.. "See also", you will see his books.
- http://www.fastseduction.com/
**This is the evolution of the alt.fastseduction forum that launched the careers of the Above mentioned guys... in existence since 1994... this place is FREE!
That is all I am going to leave you with for now... please leave me comments or send me an email at
gorditainthecity@gmail.com
Let me know if you tried the homework... tell me how it went... send me any questions you have or topics you'd like me to sound off on... thanks =)
Nite, Nite,
Mo
"Tell Monique that she is beautiful, talented, smart, engaging warm, enchanting, a doll...but unfortunately, most men do not have the intelligence to see past her body and see the beautiful amazing young woman she is and this will cause her alot of pain. She might get lucky and find someone enlightened, but they are far and few. Tell her if she just lost...." (Ay dios mio! Me jodas cabron! Vete pa carajo!)
Well, Well, Well. Aren't we all told that there is someone out there for everyone? That we are all beautiful because its what is on the inside that counts?
Sorry... but if you are overweight in America, you are kind of assed out and you don't really count. Sure there are a handful of people who will like you... but the grand majority would rather you shed a few pounds or prefer for you to give up your succulent booty for behind closed doors fat fantasy play, only to discard you for someone much less interesting, (but with a much lower BMI than you).
Now... mind you...the man who stated this very much loved a woman who is the same size 18 as me (but of course... he is one of the enlightened ones who can see my inner beauty, right?). Why would his opinion count? Who gives a shit? Because... unfortunately, prejudice against obesity is one of the last strongholds here in the United States.
1. I have a friend of mine who works on Newbury St (The Rodeo Dr. Of Boston) who tells me stories of how her bosses won't hire "unattractive girls"... I've yet to walk into a store that carries plus sizes.
2. I have friends who are server's that told me they have seen tables full of guys change their waitress if she was fat, one chubby waitress friend of mine has gotten stiffed on tips several times because the tip was intended for the "cute" hostess.
3. I was once told by a teacher of mine that my acting skills were superb and it was a shame that I was chubby since I had leading lady potential, but only if I dropped down near 110 -120.
4. Don't even get me started on the litany of Seth Rogen-esque men I know who (despite admitting that they don't consider themselves to be top notch) would probably not like to date a girl their same size, unless under extenuating circumstances (another blog post to come).. (I'm not demonizing their personal choices.. its just interesting how the male brain works)
Being chubbier... or Gordita ,if you will, is even more painful when it comes to your family.
I have family members (most of them are skinny or formerly skinny) who constantly remind me that I would be, "so much prettier" if I lost the weight. To consider a tummy tuck, lap band, don't eat after six PM. Once, one of them decided to take away half of my food (a #1 from In and Out) and say.. "you've had enough... you don't need anymore."
Even my dad has looked at me with mild disgust or click of the tongue... telling me coldly that I could stand to skip a meal when I mention I'm hungry, look at the things I eat (even if it is something small) and say, "Mija, you are overeating... you have an addiction - a problem.." (even if it was my 1st and ONLY MEAL OF THE FUCKING DAY! ). He is overweight himself and has his own issues. It isn't too much longer after that when he begins to laud my intelligence and other virtues.
Which segways into dating....
I'm not ugly. I say this, not because of an inflated ego, but because people tell me ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME that I have a gorgeous/pretty/ cute/ face. Time and again, I'm told I'm photogenic.. etc.. etc. Sometimes people are even shocked to find out that I have been single for 5 years.
Honestly, sometimes I wish I was really ugly so people and men would just leave me the fuck alone. This may sound angry, but bear with me. If I hear another person tell me, "you're pretty, but you would be SOO HOT if you just lost a little bit of weight" - I might just bomb a small city in Kansas for shits and giggles.
Let me put it like this: I'm 5'2, 206 pounds (I regained some weight during my peachy keen summer in California and its melting off thanks to WW just fine), I wear a size 16/18, and I have the same measurements around my chest as I do my hips making me a technical hourglass though my gut fights against that.
Most people think I carry my weight well - some even argue when I call myself "fat"... preferring that I use some euphemism like chubby, fluffy, thick, curvy...
nope - sorry folks - just fat. I don't see it as an insult - I see it as the smacking and all-liberating truth...
yes I AM FAT! Let's desensitize you now:
FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT!
According to the theory of Intersectional Invisibility (google it) , I'm marginalized three times over - I'm a female, minority, and overweight. At least in Boston... being female helps my dating life and being a minority lends me a sense of exoticism that some males tend to find appealing (That is a whole other blog post). That leaves me with "overweight."
Quite honestly, that really isn't much of an obstacle either... apparently, many different males have found me attractive ... many of them superb examples of cuteness themselves and NOT overweight. I have no problem getting males to pay attention to me, after all, I have enough things to say and natural endowments to come across as appealing. My gregarious and understanding nature makes it hard for anyone to have a bad date with me. I know if I put on some makeup and a dress, I will at least get 2 phone numbers and several solicitations for a night of fun.
Just the other day I had two douche bags from the BC Football team (one was absolutely gorgeous) trail me in a bar and continually solicit me for a romp with "Vanilla and Chocolate". I said "Not interested, there are plenty of hotter chicks, stupider chicks in here you could talk to that will happily fall for your cheap lines" ... apparently getting shot down by the short chubby chick who wasn't impressed with his high paying broker job didn't sit well, because he told me I had just lost my chance at hooking up with "the best looking white guy in the room and would probably not get another offer else where".
I didn't ask for it, didn't talk to them, I wasn't even remotely dressed revealingly... yet something signaled to these guys that I must be some kind of freak looking for a hot good time. Its interesting, because I meet SO MANY men who assume it is okay to talk to me like that. Several times... I have heard the disgusting, "Is it true fat girls are good in bed" or a lurid " I bet you can give a good blow job - I'm sure you can... you are hungry for some chorizo.. aren't you?" ... its DISGUSTING!
And if its not a disgusting drunk come-on, its a perfectly nice, well rounded guy who finds himself attracted to my personality and sense of humor. Generally we have a good conversation, everything is wonderful... and then the truth comes out... he has never really been with a big girl... but I'm interesting. Later on, it will turn out that I'm very attractive, great friend material, and there is a ton of chemistry... he just can't put his finger as to why he couldn't date me. Normally this guy ends up bitching to me about how his (usually thinner but not necessarily pretty or interesting ) girlfriend treats him like shit, how he wishes she was basically me... and that I would find someone eventually - but I would have every guy all over me if I just dropped a "few" pounds.
It bears some truth to what some of my chubby girlfriends and very honest best guy friends say about how chubby girls are like a moped, "fun to ride, but not in public." That they will rarely get a man to take them seriously beyond being considered the occasional at home movie date or chick to chill with.
In this dismal, honest, sardonic, and pretty fucked up view of the world through chubby colored glasses, what does one do?
Well...that's a toughie. God willing, even if I lose all 66 pounds to get down to 140 (a perfectly healthy realistic size 12 for me).. the luster of that accomplishment will be taken away by the overwhelming fact that I did what society wanted me to do. Even if I sit there all day and say the weight loss was for me... and it was my victory.. my desire... the reality is that the desire to change would have probably not have been as strong if people simply encouraged that I was beautiful the way I was and let me be.
I picture what my life would be like and I can only use the example of a girl I go to school with who did the same thing. She was 250lbs, and in one year, she dropped down to 140.
Since then, More guys pay attention to her.. even ask her out on dates as opposed to "lets hang at my house"; People are nicer and offer her free stuff at stores, her clothes are cheaper and she has more energy. But even with all that... she is miserable.
Once you have been fat. You will always be fat. Nothing will ever erase the little chubby girl or boy you were inside. Anytime a new guy pays attention to you, you will always ask yourself - "Is it me he really liked? Would he have ever paid attention to me if he saw the fat version?"
When you eat or even overeat... you will worry that "the fat kid" will rage again and do everything you can to prevent it.. even if you made slow life changes and kept the weight off.
Eventually, you will turn on the people who were just like you. You say, "nope I won't.. I'll always be a fat person"... but you will make the same excuses to reject them, as people made to reject you when you were fat. Most people that lose weight would not consider dating an obese partner. Mostly for the practical reasons of wanting to date a person who shares the same "health values," however, its okay, because you worked hard to get where you are at and everybody can change their circumstances...fat people who bitch and stay fat are simply lazy or not utilizing their options.
The way I see it, losing weight and becoming skinnier isn't a freedom... its just a roomier box. Once you know that place of hurt, degradation, pain, and suffering of having been fat... it never goes away - it numbs but you will always be hyper aware. You can put a silver plating on a penny... but it doesn't make it silver dollar.
I leave you with an analogy. When I was younger, I was left handed. My mother read in Dr. Spock that it is a "right-hand world" ...people who are left handed will always have trouble. Well guess what the crazy old bat did? She went against nature and trained me to be right handed, confusing me in the process. How did I cope... I became ambidextrous. I learned to straddle that funny borderland and turn it into my own unique thing. I can write with both hands... but I'm loopy and creative like a left-handed weirdo.
Going back to the beginning.
1. Society agrees that I'm a catch...but I could improve.
(Thanks for the suggestions... take it up with my genes, hire me a personal trainer, and pay for my Weight Watchers since you are so generous to point it out...while you are at it... here is a list of things including your tact that you could improve on)
2. Most guys are too stupid not to be able to see past my body into the awesomeness that is Mo.
(Gee, because I really want to date that guy? If it means I have to be alone for awhile.. better alone than in stupid company. How about you must be this "tall" to ride? Guess what assholes... in 30 years when your libido has sank, you can't keep it up, your testosterone levels have dropped , and that skinny girl's body looks like mine, stretch marks and flab ... and believe me... it will.... you will be WISHING she had half of the interesting qualities that I ALREADY POSSESS at the tender young age of 25...plus I will look nearly a decade younger)
3. It's a skinny person's world.
(You see, that is why there are loud mouthed chicks like me who aren't afraid to break off and create their own insular communities...even if it serves the selfish purposes of making me feel better, the point is that.. even if I am the minority and most people would prefer me to conform, I take my happy little middle finger, cock it up with a smile and say god bless you, I'm here to stay.. and I'm not shutting up. Stand up and use your voice! Now move out of my goddamn way!)
By the way...for the most part...Yes, the rumors are true... but that is another blog post.
Thanks for listening... next time... relationship advice geared towards McSexy or perhaps online dating... weigh in and fulfill my selfish needs for recognition and comment or at least discuss this nonsense.
