**Another long post.. if you scroll down.. advice tends to be on the bottom.. enjoy**
Why are we still friends? Why does he keep you around?
We aren't back together why are we doing this.
Pretty simple. You care about each other and you made an impact on their life. You are involved because you want to be involved.. somehow.
There is a special guy in my life. At times, it isn't unusual for us to cuddle on his bed and watch a movie, if he's sore... I might give him a back rub, we tell each other each other nearly everything, we tease each other relentlessly. Since moving back to Boston, we talk on the phone or IM in 3-5 hour stretches at least once a week.... oh yeah... I forgot to mention he knows... EVERYTHING about me and at one point was the asshole I swore I was going to hate forever and ever for ripping my tender 20 year old heart in two.
Flashback...Spring 2006
Lets skip the hairy details and just say that 98' Silver Malibus and the ELAC Parking lot were somewhat traumatizing. I made a new best friend who I call Wendo-Wan (who my ex liked at the time and went to high school with) who was the only person who would listen to me bitch. My college theater department and my ex viewed me as a certified emo-psycho.
The second biggest helper through this dark time.. was none other than....::drumroll:: my ex-boyfriend of 2 years (who I dumped... in microscopic part to date the guy above).
Spring 2006 - Winter 2009
4 years of " I hate you" and "You might be kind of cool" , intersecting social circles, and an interesting on... but really always off relationship that could be summed up in the words of Rilo Kiley's "Portions for Foxes" .
Winter 2009 - Present
Quick convos, led to laughter, lead to opening up, led to apologies on both ends... led to.. "wait.. you actually are cool!"
I definitely dated other guys after him, although nobody stuck around (hence my current 4 1/2 single stretch). At this point in my life, I can proudly say that 3 out of 4 guys I have significantly dated are part of my inner social circle (my high school kinda sweetheart / best friend decided to dump me as a friend on Facebook out of nowhere...).
When I say friend, I don't mean the casual... "Hey what's up, I saw you walking down the street." I mean close heart-to-heart convos, meeting their new girlfriends, giving dating advice when its appropriate, and even inviting them to parties that I have, if they are single - it might not be unusual for one of them to spend the night - usually with us talking and joking the whole time (Yes.. I mean platonic).
But of course, this is ridiculous. Its the argument that is laid out in "Harry Met Sally" - Men and Women cannot be friends (I know I'm mangling it... get off my case its 4AM!). Breakups suck. When my ex broke up with me, It wasn't so much the sex, the kissing, the stupid nicknames, or even the "couple title" that I missed. The hardest part for me was losing the one person I could tell everything to. It was losing that close and positive male energy that made me feel secure.
This goes for men as well. Sure .. you have your same-sex buddies. You fart, you talk about sports, you play your beer pong - but I doubt you guys cuddle when you are cold and insecure. Even women. Sure, I can snuggle into Yosemite Sara's and Wendo-Wan's plush endowments in a fit of female emotional ecstasy...but it doesn't beat the musky, off smell, and warm confused arms of my best guy friends.
I know, I know.. WHY YOUR EX OF ALL PEOPLE!??
Soooo I'm going to give you my side of the penny on the perks.
1. You already have an established history: Meeting new friends is tough - people don't want to open up, you have to build tenure.. etc. With an ex, this is already done.
2. You both have already seen each other naked and know all the "fun". This eliminates the problems associated with having a potential opposite sex friend who ..may or may not be sexually attracted to you. In most cases you can assume your ex (having dated you) finds you attractive in some way and if necessary - you simply talk about it. You can change in front of your ex, get back rubs, and yes.. you can openly acknowledge the physical closeness without a bat of the eye.. because you know the territory. Plus...the inside jokes are fun.
3. They can give you THE MOST VALUABLE dating advice. Think about, the vast majority of people who end relationships... never really talk much ...ever. So you wasted 4 years of your life with a person... you are single... and now have no clue WTF you are going to do. Assuming you have a good talking relationship, you have the RARE opportunity to ask, "why didn't it work out...what can I improve on". The best indicators of the future are past history. Hearing from the horses mouth (with enough objective perspective) can offer you clues about you that you would never hear from a pal or dating site. After all, who else is going to tell you, "hey you know that weird noise you make .. when you do that thing?... Yeah.. not sexy..."
4. This is going to sound terrible - and I do not advocate this or endorse it.. .but if you are mature enough to handle it and you have sorted through some issues. An ex is a perfect way to get your jollies without adding a notch to the post. The issues around this can be tricky and it is a whole other blog post.
5. Emotional Growth: I can honestly say. Learning to forgive some of the terrible things that I have done and that were done to me were some of the most freeing and heartfelt lessons that I have learned. I have been in both positions where my heart was crushed and I was responsible for crushing someone elses. I see it like this. It is easier to walk away. It's what people do every day, take the bitch way out. In the old days, when people didn't move far away and people were less slutty - if you saw someone you had relations with - you put on your big girl panties and dealt with it.
I'm not going to lie, I put one of my exes through hell and didn't even care to deal with him. I realized later on, as we moved past the trauma of everything and became friends that he was really one of the only people in my corner. I rejected his friendship because I was too afraid to look at what I had done and really didn't want to deal with myself - because bringing him into my life would mean that I would have to be accountable to another person.
In the case of the guy that broke my heart, I detested him. It was easier to think of him as the heartless, spineless, tactless, jerk who never cared about me and was put onto this earth to reject me. (Because the world revolved around me and I wasn't worth loving... LMFAO). It was easier to hold on to my anger than actually taking a moment, breathing and seeing beyond myself. If my 20 year old self had stopped for a moment. Just stopped. Stopped whining, stop clinging, stop fighting, I would have realized much earlier that the break up had very little to do with me. I would have seen a young guy torn between caring for me deeply and fighting against his own panic of not knowing what he wanted from life (who ever know what they want?). We probably would have been friends sooner or even had a much easier transition to get through the complicated shit (the ex to friend thing is a relatively streamlined process for me now).
So Mo, I've grown up, I know I want my ex in my life.. How do I deal?
1. Its not for everybody. It takes emotional maturity. Half the battle is really letting go of your expectations, but being realistic. The crazy emotional shit needs to be packed and out the window. If you want to bitch about the new guy or girl in your life because you need a fresh perspective alright, trying power plays to make the person jealous makes you look pathetic. Friending your ex for the purposes of "its better than nothing" is not cool on so many levels. Be friends with your ex, because your life is enhanced with their presence, not because you are trying to hold onto the glory days a moment longer. Also, understand that not every person you date is going to want to see your face again (I was lucky in that.. I'm stubborn as shit and don't take rejection at face value... I'm the one that never went away mwuahahahahahaha).
First off... if your ex abused you, cross this option off of your list and cut them out. Trying to befriend the jerk who beat the shit out of you and verbally abused you isn't wise, it's stupid and you need therapy and good slap in the face. Wait a MINIUMUM of 3 months from the point of your final breakup or goodbye sex encounter of ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT before you revisit the option. No texting, no facebook, nothing, even if you have shared bills... there is online payment. Because, if you think you are going to go from spending every weekend together to lunch dates with no feelings in a week, you are wrong. 3 months at least gives you enough time to reestablish a new routine, numb the pain, and fit in a new date (if that is an option to you). For a longer relationship - double this span of time to 6 months to a year.
If you are committed to being friends with your ex... 90% of the time - you need to effectively and mentally neuter your ex. Sex only complicates things. Especially if you are a woman. For girls, Sex = We are bonding = I'm Special =Love... Nope honey... for most men... especially exes who have not expressed a SPECIFIC and FLAT OUT desire to say "Will you be my girlfriend again?" Sex = Sex = Cool, if its there = Fun.
Depending how drunk you are and how long its been since either of you have been with someone, you are fair game. Think about it. Most men will take the lazy way out - if you are there and potentially willing - you will probably get a pass. Maybe you think your ex, might be hurt if you turn them down - most likely he will thank you the next day for not giving into his stupid horny demons. If you choose to take the option of ex-sex (it is okay - you are consenting adults) - You better have a VERY open and communicative relationship and lay out expectations on the table.
The sex part is hard, especially with someone you once loved and its easy to say... "well.. we've done it before - no biggie" (again...the friends that can do this without damage are very rare.. and is the exception to the rule). Personally, its better to share your body with a person who wants to commit to exploring your passions and grow into that relationship with you - instead of rehashing the same spiel. The best way to skirt around the sexual frustration side of your friendship with your ex is talking about it. Avoiding the issue at all makes the topic taboo, which leads to it becoming interesting, which leads to making it new (making you want to do it even more). If you make these conversations a part of your normal - sex becomes as boring and innocuous of a conversation as the weekly news. If it comes up, say it, acknowledge it, crack a joke, and move on.
3. Significant Others:
So.. you guys are friends. You spend the night at each others houses, you talk for hours, you guys even say "I love you" without the loaded meaning..... Then the other person butts in and ruins it all.
It's only a matter of time, is all I can really say. Even if you have pushed the idea of ever having a "relationship", years have past, and you are "over it"... face the facts that you will NEVER be 100% over it. You are going to get twinges of jealousy when they talk about that new girl or guy. Does it mean you're still in love with them? Honestly, 9 times out of 10... probably not. What you are feeling is actually your own selfishness because you feel you have a claim on that person... and most of the time you don't want to share. Think about it. Most of you have best friends that you have had since you were childhood. When that person introduces a new friend,... you automatically feel like you are being replaced and do whatever you can to establish your tenure. Is it really any different?
I had the pleasure of seeing one of my exes getting married this Summer. I am completely and utterly over him, I have been for YEARS. I felt a twinge of sadness when he got married...(Note...don't ever sing at your exes wedding or speak...or wear black... guests who know are aware of your old relationship will automatically assume you are psychotic - even if you are spouting congrats and your ex absolutely respects you as a close friend) not because he was the one who got away, or because I felt he married the wrong person, or even because I regretted anything that happened... but because it was the end of a chapter in one area of our friendship. When your ex gets married or has a significant other... it doesn't mean the friendship ends - but you have a level of conduct, propriety, and boundaries that you have a moral obligation maintain. I really don't give a shit if your married best friend / ex still thinks its okay to plop onto your bed (alone) on Saturday nights and watch Adult Swim... its not okay. Maybe you two might understand... but its kind of hard to maintain a close friendship if their wife / girlfriend / boyfriend etc see's you as an object of jealousy and scorn. If you want to plop on the couch with him and his wife, and they are cool with you, and it is out in the open - okay - cool.
The litmus test of "is your ex/friend a douche/bitch is very simple. Ask to meet their significant other... if they make excuses for this VERY IMPORTANT ...,even if its only once, meeting to happen.. I would severely question their motives of friendship or even why this is occurring.. because last time I checked, this was a sign of a healthy relationship. If they want to compartmentalize AFTER you meet the GF/BF/Husband/Wife/It... than you can hit that issue when it happens.
Also, if you are starting a relationship. You have an obligation to both your partner and your friend to fully disclose the nature of your friendship. Its not fair to either one if you have to lie and say, "Yeah... we are only friends"... Omitting your history is lying. period, no discussion. The moment you feel like you need to lie about your relationship to either party... you should really evaluate if that is the right person to have in your life. If your ex/friend is psychotically jealous... you shouldn't be friends with them.. if your significant other thinks you are a weirdo and says you need to dump your friend - you need to dump that person.. because that is an early sign of deeper set issues. In both cases, use your tact. It doesn't mean you have to bring it up on the first date, but your partner should be duly informed around the time they are exposed to the person.
3. In the case that you guys are both single:
This is an interesting thing to deal with and it is my current situation. We were each others last significant relationship (its been 4 1/2 years). However, our history can be called "complicated"... as most human relationships are. Even though we live across country from each other, its safe to say that we stay pretty informed on each others life and have a deep level of familiarity and understanding that many of our friends and family find odd and confusing.
People like to see a happy ending and a romantic movie. Think about it? You dated once, now you guys are close, neither of you have seemed to be able to find someone else despite trying... Next thing you know people will say.. "Why don't you marry so and so... (s)he's there... " or... "Oh - its only a matter of time"... Cut the bullshit and don't feed into it. Realize that people talk out of their asses and realize humans are lazy and look for easy solutions. Those people weren't in your relationship to know why it didn't work out. It doesn't cross out the possibility - but if you start listening to it and let your mind play with it- you will drive yourself nuts... for the simple reason that you are lonely, what is familiar is easy...etc etc... etc... The easiest way to disarm this conversation with people is with sarcastic humor (My favorite is saying that "Didn't you know? I'm pregnant with his bastard child) or simply asking - "You really think so? Do you know something that I don't?"
Dating others: My ex and I are actively trying to date other people. Do we talk about it? ... Hell yes! Do we go into jealous fits of rage? Nope - not us.
Are we freaks of nature? Probably, its not normal. But there is a trick to being able to do it.
A). Be supportive. If your ex is talking to you about other people they date, it is cause they feel safe and want to share a piece of their life with you. The best thing you can give them is your blessing and a loud encouraging WOOT! If you happen to meet or see the other person... encourage them... be friendly - give them a chance - don't be a harpy.
B). Offer advice... when solicited. If you start offering your input on everything they do and criticize every person they date... its not really cool. Even if you think the person is uglier than sin and looks like Jabba the Hutt - if they think that is cute...
C). Some information should be "Need to know" - If you guys have hash sessions about over-analyzing dates... its one thing. Actively talking about the intricate and intimate details of your sex life like its Sex and The City is TMI. Each ex/friendship has its level of comfort - it depends. The most important thing to remember is DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO HEAR EVERYTHING. Its okay to set up limits and boundaries. This is someone that you cuddled, loved, got emo over... etc.. if it bother's you about hearing how he /she kissed another person and gave them a similar nickname.. or that they were better than you... simply say, "Hey... I appreciate your willingness to share that with me, I just don't feel comfortable with it". It doesn't make you a jealous psycho-ex or even still in love ... its just you have a limit.. and being friends doesn't mean you have to absorb everything. Which leads to the next thing.
D). Just because you are best friends, doesn't entitle you to know everything. Don't be mad, jealous, offended, affronted, or take it personally if you start asking questions and get vague answers. Admit it - new people are funny territory. Even if you can handle the info, it doesn't mean you are entitled to it. I would even suggest that you simply not ask about the other person's relationships beyond the basics of names, "How is it going?" unless the other person obviously and organically starts a conversation on the topic. If you want to offer advice and observations based on your experience dating that person... a simple, "Can I offer my opinion? " might suffice.
4. Feelings Change....
Oh.. dear... this is fun. Coming off of the single thing. This is probably the most important thing to address in being friends with your ex. The relationship might be perfect. You get along, they understand you better than anyone, you are both single.... and BAM... one person starts feeling beyond friends again... those mother hen hugs... turn into wanting more from that hug.
Can you ever go back?
It's called a break up, because it is broken... yes.. that is true... but it's different if you guys have become friends and created a new relationship. I have this conversation ALOT with my gal-pals and with my guy friends. It's an existential conversation that often refers to the spark... etc... etc.
Is it possible to fall in love all over again?... yes... entirely... but with a very important difference. Rekinding a romance with a person you used to date will almost NEVER feel like the first time you dated them. This makes the feelings of wanting to get back with a person... or possibly dating them.. very freaking confusing. We are conditioned to assume falling in love again will be like the obsessiveness of those first days and giddy smiles. I could get into the science in another post - but - essentially the roller-coaster butterflies aren't coming back.. and if that is what you expect... you are in for a hopeless romantic's crash to reality . Realistically, It will be fairly anti-climactic and the only way you will truly know that crazy emotional high is if it drives you nuts to know that they will be with someone else and not you. Or if every person you date after them is missing the "click" that you only get with that person (the click and the spark ...though connected are entirely different mechanisms).
Which brings up the question...
"If my ex wants to stay friends with me, but doesn't rule out the possibility of other things... are they really just putting me on a shelf to keep around as their backup?"
Unless you both have said, I'M NEVER OPENING THAT DOOR WITH YOU AGAIN.. loud and clear on a microphone, its safe to say.. yep... probably.. and you probably are both guilty of doing it to each other. Its normal and in the scope of psychology makes perfect sense. Keep in mind, I doubt a person who was only keeping you around for leftovers would take the time to get involved with your life and be a friend.
If the person is a fair-weather friend, dropping in to say hi and flirting long enough to keep you interested, dangles the "someday maybe" carrot ....not good.
If the person calls you as equally as you call them and you have a genuine friend relationship... Its all good.
Is it a bad thing? It depends on the relationship and how you look at it. In an ideal world, you guys would have never broken up. But life isn't ideal. The reality and undoing of humans is that we never know what we want, when we have it...we take it for granted, when we can't have it... we want it more, we get scared, shit happens, timing sucks, we are all going to die, the sky is falling, the world is ending in 2012! My socks don't match.. .LIFE IS COMPLICATED and most relationships aren't linear. Being put on a shelf is not necessarily the kiss of death and not exactly the most insulting thing in the world. Sure you might say, "WELL I WASN'T FIRST CHOICE, SO IT DOESN'T COUNT AND THEY ARE JUST SETTLING!" .. really... if we all got our first choices.. we would be killing each other to marry Brad Pitt or Megan Fox. The Law of Averages.. if you will. If relationships are perfect - we wouldn't have the "One that got away" now would we?
If you are very close friends with your ex, the what-if conversations are inevitable. It is human nature to play with the possibilities. But that is the key word... play. Just because you hear the occasional, "We would be great" or "Too bad things didn't work out, we were kind of perfect together," It doesn't mean anything without someone taking deliberate action to back it up at the end of the day. Words are words and can be interpreted many different ways.
If you are in a position, where you think you might want to give it another go with your ex - wait. Just wait and date. Wait and date, is my best advice... especially if that girl or guy was the last person you had a relationship with. For the most part ... when it comes to exes - it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out if you love and want to be with the the person or not. Hold your tongue on moving things to a different level until you are VERY FUCKING SURE you can't see yourself not being with that person. Hold it in until you can't stand it anymore and there are very few possibilities that you might actually want someone else. Don't let yourself fall into the .. "let's see where it goes / I may or may not like you" - it is alot more complicated with exes than it is with a person you just met. It took you a long time to build trust and a loving relationship - don't blow it on an if or maybe.
At the end of the day, if the subject comes up you have the option to say yes or no. I don't believe you should reward consistently inconsistent and bad behavior... but you are a big boy or girl, you know what you can take... and don't listen to what anyone says otherwise. (If you find yourselves BOTH always saying maybe and never wanting to shut the door... maybe its time to evaluate the reasons for that and be really honest with yourself)
At the end of the day, don't cling to something that isn't there and don't search for meaning in parts and pieces. Its the platypus analogy, "3 Blind men feel it up, one thinks its a duck, another, a beaver, another says its a giant rat." - Interpreting the pieces doesn't mean you can identify the whole and be correct. If there is nothing to grab onto just dash it out of your mind. Being a hopeless romantic doesn't help you grow, it makes you what the title implies... Hopeless and Tortured.
In conclusion to this diatribe:
Go forth.. and be fruitful in friendship and love my children. Let love blossom and grow, because it doesn't have to end. Be friends to the end, you might surprise yourself.
In my case, I've gained a wonderfully fun Rubiks cube that I analyze and can count on to knock sense into me when I'm befuddled, I have another friend who is a computer genius and will be the best father known to a beautiful little girl named Rosalind, and another friend who wonderfully loyal, gives the best hug,s and can always give me car advice =)
I asked one of the boys at my job, "Who do you want to marry?" ... his reply?...
Guess for yourself....
Nite, nite,
Mo
Yup, being friends with your ex takes a LOT of maturity on both ends, and a true willingness to be the best version of yourselves. I've learned a few things from my "ex" friend. i just kinda wish he didn't have to leave this world so soon. i know he had a lot more to learn and grow.
miss ya Patrick. thank you for being in my life.
and thanks Mo for the essay, i mean blog, ;)
it helps to know that those of us who choose to be friends with our exes are not completely insane for doing so. there is logic to it.