So You Have No "Game"? Part 1 (for guys) - Initial Homework / Reading List

Posted by Gordita In The City Tuesday, October 26, 2010 0 comments

According to my recent poll....it seems like you people would like some more relationship advice and social commentary... soooooo HERE IT IS!

I dedicate this blog to all my guy friends who consider themselves, nerdy, clueless, and overall stumped when it comes to women. 

It's been a hot minute since the last time I wrote a blog (okay a god damn week!). I've been bogged down with mid-terms, so consider this my study break. If you are a guy reading my blog for the first time... you probably assume everything I write about is for women... WRONG!

Well, without insulting myself, my experience in the following social categories has given me an interesting range of inside knowledge:
a). DUFF - "Designated Ugly Fat Friend".. But actually... in some PUA circles.. I might be considered a "Fatty Tuna" or attractive chubby girl....now wait!  Before you get your panties (or boxers)  in a bunch, understand that I do not believe that for a second - but I've been through enough douche bags and Hollywood scene bars - to get this title thrown around a couple of times.  - I usually see a RISE in the number of guys trying to hit on me at the end of the night or when my friends reject them. Which has allowed me keen insight on observing male desperation at its worst
b). The "Best Friend" - Most guys find it hard not to like me and make me one of their own.
c). "Wing Girl" -  I've been helping my friends of both sexes get dates and get some since 1995...
d). The "Opener"  - I have a knack for breaking down walls.
e). I dated a few Pick Up Artists and got to dabble at some of their workshops and seen them in action (Yes... that's right... I learned the tricks from the source)

f). I'm a Chick... I know what we want lol


Why am I doing this, what do I get out of it?

Really - I just like like to see people happy and as a marathon singleton, I understand the pain and frustration that often comes from a lack of knowledge, experience, and opportunity.  My aim for you is to have a holistic (all encompassing) education on the subject of wooing.

***Women...Some of this may be good for you to pay attention to also... I will Asterisk it =)

So here are the rules to my classroom:

1. Be dedicated - I'm not accepting no half-ass shit here.  If you are really serious about wanting to be a better lover, pick up artist, more interesting date, better boyfriend, blah blah or whatever your reason...then treat it like World Series "Texas Hold'em" ....All In

 2. You will not use this advice or anything I say to intentionally harm or manipulate anybody. If I tell you something its to level the playing field.

3. Understand that like weight loss, this doesn't happen over night.  You will need practice and a wagon full of gumption to get over your terrible habits - like being lazy.

4. Don't be a quitter.

5. Ask me questions,  I can't give you proper advice if you don't open your damn mouth.  I don't care how grody, nasty, embarrassing, private, silly, stupid, ridiculous, pathetic etc... that you think your question is, I might have somewhere to lead you.

6. If its on my assigned reading list... assume it is important and vital knowledge.

7. Be yourself .  At the end of the day, nothing will get you further than this - but ... creative repackaging and branding never hurt anybody.  Think same old comforting Oatmeal, snazzier box =)

8. Stop being a victim. Girls aren't out to screw you over, you just don't show that you value yourself and you just aren't making them work hard enough,.

 .........................................................................................................................................................
The first thing you need to know about "game" /seduction etc...  is that it is an ART! Sure, some people are born with it and never need to resort to ridiculous things like reading blogs. Great sports players didn't start throwing 90mph pitches or scoring a million touchdowns from birth... it takes PRACTICE, especially if you are naturally clumsy and socially awkward.

You have a very unique advantage that women don't - looks don't matter all that much. Most women don't give a shit how you look (within reason), because status, ambition, and "interestingness" (I'll explain this later) get you further. With enough practice, you will be able to communicate these characteristics to females clearly and effectively without coming off as a cocky asshole.

In subsequent blogs I might adopt some abbreviations and terminology that is used by those that follow the PUA lifestyle (pick up artist). I'm choosing to use it so you can Google it at a later date and if you come across forums, you can more easily understand what is going on. I'll bold it and define it as I go along.

Lesson #1

1. What do women want more than anything?


The answer... whatever another woman has.
This means.. your attention, your time, your energy, your "good stuff", if the target (the girl you want) see's another woman in possession of any of these things... most of the time - it triggers a competitive response.  Competition = attention = a spark (the spark can take many forms)=a designation of higher value of the "service" in question ... meaning .. YOU! Every girl likes to think she is special... once she knows she is special (without having really qualified herself)... its no longer fun.  This goes against every piece of advice romance movies etc.. tell you. If you think giving that girl massages and free dinners is going to make her want you... you are soooooo wrongThis works with ANY WOMAN... your mother, your best gal pal, your girlfriend... it is an Achilles's heel.

* Your homework:
Test this out.  Pick a girl in your life (preferably neutral / platonic) and make a list of all the special things and/or exceptions you do for her that she KNOWS are things that are "just for her."  I don't care if its that "special movie" or something else.

Now... once you have that list, find a social opportunity where you can naturally mention you doing one or a number of those things with another female (real or made up).  If you want to raise the stakes, do this in person with a friend or acquaintance of hers.  For example... if Betty knows that she is the only one you call "babe" - call her friend "babe" nonchalantly in front of her.  If your Grandma knows you never offer to clean the kitchen for her, offer to clean your Aunt's kitchen in front of her.

What you are looking for is a noticeable change in behavior.  I'm telling you to do this with a platonic female, to demonstrate the point that even girls that are "neutralized" can get their attention grabbed by working on this one principle.


2. Everything you need to know about attraction, you learned in Kindergarten. 

When we are children, we are at our most pure. Barriers and social boundaries aren't as ingrained - making children a perfect microcosm of what humans would be like if left purely to instinct and desire. Think about how boys and girls act on the playground. Teasing.  YES! TEASING AND OPPOSITES! When you wanted little Suzie to chase you... you did what? Called her a big BOOGER FACE even though all you wanted was for her to pay attention to you. If you gave her a valentine - she didn't care... if you said she had cooties ...the chase was ON!

Your Homework:  
* This is in two Parts

A). Go to a playground or elementary school, preferably kids between 5-10 - might be even better if you have access to younger cousins or a friend that works at a daycare or school.  Watch them, listen, play, and take notes. It doesn't make you creepy - just pay attention to them - if its appropriate - play devil's advocate in getting some playful "boys vs girls" game playing going on. If people ask any questions, say you are taking a social psychology class.

B). The idea is to try this with a pretty girl that you don't know... but you can TRY it on a girl already in your social circle... it might not be as effective.  Go out.  Yes... go out as in social...not in your house...and not on the internet.  Grow a pair of balls and go to a party, a bar, a concert, something... try it at your gym... on the subway.. whatever. Find a pretty or attractive girl, the kind that you find stupidly hot and that you would never have a chance with.  I want you to do the following:

 - Tell her hello, (Open her up by asking a question about what she is drinking, something about the venue, mistake her for someone you knew... I don't care... just DON'T offer to buy her a drink.. don't tell her someone noticed her... nothing... simple and non-chalant).  Use your poker face and do not give her any sign that you are possibly attracted to her.

- Once you have her attention and she is socially receptive, say that you and your friends were having a debate on who is hotter.. Brunettes, Blondes, or Redheads... ask her opinion (most likely her answer will be whatever hair color she currently has).

- Whatever her answer is you like the opposite: You are going to make a disappointed face and say.. "Really, you think so? Personally, only ::insert whatever the opposite of her hair color is here:: do it for me, I never really cared for ::whatever her hair color is::"


- From here, I want you to notice her reaction. Did she roll her eyes and say "whatever" or did she make a "pouty face" and try to argue why her haircolor is better?  (If she attempts to argue...this is a stage known as "qualifying" which I will explain later) If she starts to go into the "Well Brunettes / Blonds / Etc... are better", pause, pretend to think about it... shake your head with a playful .. "Nah" ... thank her for the conversation and walk away - don't turn around. Just go back to your business, you aren't aiming to get her number... you are simply doing research so the stakes don't really matter.

The goal is to keep this encounter under 5 minutes. 


*************************************************

Reasearch and Textbooks


Next - Your textbooks... yes... books. First rule of any war (because love is a war) is KNOW YOUR ENEMY ("target").  You have to learn how to think like them, know what makes them tick, know what makes them cry, what do they care about, what is their perception... their psychology. This portion will probably take the longest, but they are books that you should at least have working knowledge of and preferably read. If you know what girls are asking questions about... you can avoid being that question yourself.


Women are consumers of advice, we collect it, we savor it, we are wired to process millions of social cues and analytics that most men ignore.  I don't care who the woman is... she has read or owned a self help book - or at least gleaned the advice columns of Cosmopolitan Magazine or Teen Mag etc..etc..etc.:




1. Relationship Advice Books

- "He's Just Not That Into You"
-written for women by a man... basically tells us why and when we should move on 
http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288075344&sr=1-1

-"Be Honest: You're Just Not That Into Him Either"
http://www.amazon.com/Honest-Youre-Not-That-Into-Either/dp/0060834064/ref=pd_sim_b_3
 -The argument for not settling for any old two-pump chump
 
- "Why Men Love Bitches"
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560/ref=pd_sim_b_4
self-explanatory

-"Why Men Marry Bitches"
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Marry-Bitches-Winning/dp/074327637X/ref=pd_sim_b_1
* even more self-explanatory

-The Rules
http://www.amazon.com/All-Rules-Time-tested-Secrets-Capturing/dp/0446618799/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1288075107&sr=8-1

***Aka.. the de facto Manual on how to manipulate a guy into wanting you and the best summation of all the power plays that manipulative women play in a very easy to read format




2. Human Sexuality 

- The Red Queen: Sex and The Evolution of Human Nature
http://www.amazon.com/Red-Queen-Evolution-Human-Nature/dp/0060556579/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288075590&sr=1-2
*Read this to know why and what you are working with biologically, from a modern perspective

- The Science of Sex Appeal by the Discovery Channel (Video)
http://www.amazon.com/Science-Sex-Appeal-Discovery-Channel/dp/B002UJIY7K/ref=sr_1_cc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1288076828&sr=1-1-catcorr
* If you have Netflix you can watch this on your instant Queue...again, you need to have a HOLISTIC education... this fulfills the scientific portion - plus after you watch this... you might actually feel a little less pressure

- The COMPLETE Kama Sutra
http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Kama-Sutra-Unabridged-Translation/dp/0892814926/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288075757&sr=1-3

*I'm not just talking about having sex and crazy positions. The Kama Sutra was an ancient Vedic text on the Art of Pleasure... its not about Tantra.. "holy Sex" or mind blowing orgasms...It actually contains some very wise and practical advice on how to be the best kind of lover, how to listen, how to conduct your self... the subtle ways that you can give pleasure..  If you can ignore some of the anachronisms... EVERY PERSON should be required to read and study this seriously. Call it sex etiquette... In English it translates into "Aphorisms on Love" ... you can get it at the library or read it on google books... If for anything...it gives you interesting shit to discuss.


- She Comes First: A Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288076445&sr=1-1

*This is a great...and very fun read.  I discovered it on one of my plane trips home (the guy next to me was reading it on the plane and left it behind).  Needless to say... It is a very easy to understand HOW TO Guide on how to give oral sex and engage in foreplay. The author used to suffer from Erectile Dysfunction...so he's been in that awkward place... he is also funny and the same author of "Be Honest, You're Just Not That Into Him Either" ... All I can say is that this guy knows what he is talking about... you can understand him - and there are diagrams if you get confused. Women should read this.. because its kind of like a User's guide to having a va-jay-jay.. You learn nifty stuff like... Did you know the clitoris has 18 parts!!!?


Pick Up Artist Stuff

**Yes... I have read these books...some things I've even found useful myself. I have seen them in action and alot of the techniques will work on different types of women.  But take caution - I don't recommend absorbing everything. It works, but unless you take caution... you will end up looking like a douche bag (like the guys I went out with)... some of the methods are outright manipulative, but they level the playing field.  They are on this list because the idea is to have a HOLISTIC view on "The Game" from all perspectives... female, science, and male.

-Rules of The Game
http://www.amazon.com/Rules-Game-Neil-Strauss/dp/0061911690/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288076918&sr=1-3
**This is the male equivalent and answer to "The Rules"
- The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick Up Artists
http://www.amazon.com/Game-Penetrating-Secret-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738/ref=pd_sim_b_1

- Anything by "Mystery" **if you look at Amazon's.. "See also",  you will see his books. 

- http://www.fastseduction.com/
**This is the  evolution of the alt.fastseduction forum that launched the careers of the Above mentioned guys... in existence since 1994... this place is FREE!


 That is all I am going to leave you with for now... please leave me comments or send me an email at

gorditainthecity@gmail.com 

 Let me know if you tried the homework... tell me how it went... send me any questions you have or topics you'd like me to sound off on... thanks =)

Nite, Nite,

Mo

Boredom: In Haiku

Posted by Gordita In The City Sunday, October 17, 2010 0 comments


Here is some random late night Haiku that I composed... because I'm down like that... and I can't read French literature in translation anymore.

“Saturday Night from the POV of Random Guy”
Pumping my thigh,
Rubbing for the answer
it does not take long enough.

“Pamela Anderson Eat Your Heart Out”
Layers of adipose
Rest too nicely on me.
Who needs silicone?

“At the La Mirada Swapmeet”
“Gorditas taste better!”
I read on a shirt
How do you like me now?

Valentine's Day”
Cupid shoots,
Ay! Pendejo! Me Duele!”
Get me something better please.

“At Valerie’s House , in front of a Fan”
I like “chanclas”
I put my hair in a “chongo”
It slips out frizzy.

“Eating Tacos after Partying with Valien”
King Taco Sopes are tasty
Mounds of Carne
“Where’s my horchata, bitch?”

“One Night Stand, Kathy and Christina Style”
Patron burns the throat
Kisses sweeten my lips,
I hope I don’t wake up.


Okay.. that's all the lameness I can spout out for lack of sleep.

 Boredom sucks,
This artform is over rated
I will shut up for now

5AM - Saturday Night...

Arr..me mateys.  Shiver me timbers, I be stuck on this blustry night talking to ye scally wags that don't care what I am doing... Arrr.

Imagine.. .(Boy this is a cliche for me isn't it!)

You have a 7 page paper on Madame Bovary (which you have barely read.. if skimming counts) due on Tuesday.. in addition to Re reading a crap load of stuff you need to cram for, Midterms style. Spark Notes is open, you are listening to French Chanson music to get yourself in the mood. You tap your foot. Close your eyes as you sip your cheap Cafe Americano made out of really crappy and stale Folgers instant coffee, because that is all you are stuck with on your overnight shift at a house full of sleeping children who think it is fun to torture you with creepy noises until the middle of the night.  You hear knocking upstairs... hoping it is a sadistic teenage boy... you investigate - its nothing.  You breathe... very friggin deeply.. Shit.  La Llorona and El Cucuy are doing it upstairs.  You freak out.  Fuck this.  The people at work say its the ghost of the girl named "Andrea" that killed herself in the bathroom upstairs...double crap!  You are on a productive streak (meaning you actually underlined a passage in the book).  Ten minutes later.. you decide its a perfect time to stop and write a blog about avoiding stuff, because you want to avoid the things that you really shouldn't be avoiding. 

So Here is my quickie guide on how to procrastinate effectively.

1. Blame EVERYTHING ELSE!  - Everything is game, blame the ghost upstairs, the Banana in the kitchen for distracting you with it's brightness, your ex-boyfriend for breaking up with you years ago and giving you a complex, the dog for needed to walk, your mother for wanting to talk, the neighbors for breathing all the available oxygen.

2. Commit yourself to Perfection - When you write.. make sure you have THE EXACT PHRASE! Work on the same paragraph 8 times like you have a crazy OCD ala' Gustave Flaubert to get the right word.  It will pay off and everyone will see you for the frustrated genius you are.

3. Start a new hobby - You know how you have always wanted to make your own homemade jam, a quilt, learn how to play Fantasy Football.  Now is the time to do the research and learn how you do it!

4. Announce to everyone how hard life is - This will help you feel better. Because the world revolves around you and your problems.

5. Organize, Organize, Organize - In order to get your work in order. Spend six hours coming up with the perfect organization system to keep all your piled up tasks in order.  Update your Google calendar, color code your homework. Now is the time to do it.  Now! Now! Do it NOW!

6. Develop Acute Anxiety Disorder - Panic attacks.  Enough Said - perfect for passing the time and giving your body an excuse to consume more coffee, adderall, pain killers, codeine, ibuprofen, wine, tequila, arsenic.. etc etc

7.  Start a Blog and Dream  - Set lots and lots of goals and deadlines. It makes you feel effective and busy.  Holding yourself accountable is key.  Dream about your graduation, promotion, and how you will fail miserably. This usually goes in tandem with panic attacks.


Happy Trails - I actually stuck to my Deadline of 5AM - Stick to the small victories =)

Nite nite,

Mo

The Ex-Factor: Being Friends after the End and Everything Inbetween

Posted by Gordita In The City Saturday, October 16, 2010 1 comments


"   When I try to walk away, you hurt yourself to make me stay... this is crazy... oh.... this is crazy "  - Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill

**Another long post.. if you scroll down.. advice tends to be on the bottom.. enjoy**


Why are we still friends? Why does he keep you around?
We aren't back together why are we doing this.

Pretty simple. You care about each other and you made an impact on their life. You are involved because you want to be involved.. somehow. 


There is a special guy in my life. At times, it isn't unusual for us to cuddle on his bed and watch a movie, if he's sore... I might give him a back rub, we tell each other each other nearly everything, we tease each other relentlessly.  Since moving back to Boston, we talk on the phone or IM in 3-5 hour stretches at least once a week.... oh yeah... I forgot to mention he knows... EVERYTHING about me and at one point was the asshole I swore I was going to hate forever and ever for ripping my tender 20 year old heart in two.  

Flashback...Spring 2006

Lets skip the hairy details and just say that 98' Silver Malibus and the ELAC Parking lot were somewhat traumatizing. I made a new best friend who I call Wendo-Wan (who my ex liked at the time and went to high school with) who was the only person who would listen to me bitch. My college theater department and my ex viewed me as a certified emo-psycho. 


The second biggest helper through this dark time.. was none other than....::drumroll:: my ex-boyfriend of 2 years (who I dumped... in microscopic part to date the guy above).  


Spring 2006 - Winter 2009 


4 years of  "  I hate you"   and "You might be kind of cool" , intersecting social circles,  and an interesting on... but really always off  relationship that could be summed up in the words of Rilo Kiley's "Portions for Foxes" .  

Winter 2009 - Present 

Quick convos, led to laughter, lead to opening up, led to apologies on both ends... led to.. "wait.. you actually are cool!"

 I definitely dated other guys after him, although nobody stuck around (hence my current 4 1/2 single stretch).  At this point in my life, I can proudly say that 3 out of 4 guys I have significantly dated are part of my inner social circle (my high school kinda sweetheart / best friend decided to dump me as a friend on Facebook out of nowhere...). 


When I say friend, I don't mean the casual... "Hey what's up, I saw you walking down the street."  I mean close heart-to-heart convos, meeting their new girlfriends, giving dating advice when its appropriate,  and even inviting them to parties that I have, if they are single - it might not be unusual for one of them to spend the night - usually with us talking and joking the whole time (Yes.. I mean platonic).


But of course, this is ridiculous. Its the argument that is laid out in "Harry Met Sally" - Men and Women cannot be friends (I know I'm mangling it... get off my case its 4AM!).  Breakups suck. When my ex broke up with me, It wasn't so much the sex, the kissing, the stupid nicknames, or even the "couple title" that I missed. The hardest part for me was losing the one person I could tell everything to.  It was losing that close and positive male energy that made me feel secure. 

This goes for men as well. Sure .. you have your same-sex buddies. You fart, you talk about sports, you play your beer pong - but I doubt you guys cuddle when you are cold and insecure. Even women.  Sure, I can snuggle into Yosemite Sara's and Wendo-Wan's plush endowments in a fit of female emotional ecstasy...but it doesn't beat the musky, off smell, and warm confused arms of my best guy friends. 


I know, I know.. WHY YOUR EX OF ALL PEOPLE!??

Soooo I'm going to give you my side of the penny on the perks.  

1.  You already have an established history: Meeting new friends is tough - people don't want to open up, you have to build tenure.. etc.  With an ex, this is already done.

2. You both have already seen each other naked and know all the "fun"This eliminates the problems associated with having a potential opposite sex friend who ..may or may not be sexually attracted to you.  In most cases you can assume your ex (having dated you) finds you attractive in some way and if necessary - you simply talk about it. You can change in front of your ex, get back rubs, and yes.. you can openly acknowledge the physical closeness without a bat of the eye.. because you know the territory.  Plus...the inside jokes are fun.

3. They can give you THE MOST VALUABLE dating advice.  Think about, the vast majority of people who end relationships... never really talk much ...ever.  So you wasted 4 years of your life with a person... you are single... and now have no clue WTF you are going to do. Assuming you have a good talking relationship, you have the RARE opportunity to ask, "why didn't it work out...what can I improve on".  The best indicators of the future are past history. Hearing from the horses mouth (with enough objective perspective) can offer you clues about you that you would never hear from a pal or dating site. After all,  who else is going to tell you, "hey you know that weird noise you make .. when you do that thing?... Yeah.. not sexy..."


4. This is going to sound terrible - and I do not advocate this or endorse it.. .but if you are mature enough to handle it and you have sorted through some issues.  An ex is a perfect way to get your jollies without adding a notch to the post.  The issues around this can be tricky and it is a whole other blog post.



5.  Emotional Growth: I can honestly say. Learning to forgive some of the terrible things that I have done and that were done to me were some of the most freeing and heartfelt lessons that I have learned.  I have been in both positions where my heart was crushed and I was responsible for crushing someone elses.  I see it like this.  It is easier to walk away. It's what people do every day, take the bitch way out.  In the old days, when people didn't move far away and people were less slutty - if you saw someone you had relations with - you put on your big girl panties and dealt with it. 



I'm not going to lie, I put one of my exes through hell and didn't even care to deal with him. I realized later on, as we moved past the trauma of everything and became friends that he was really one of the only people in my corner. I rejected his friendship because I was too afraid to look at what I had done and really didn't want to deal with myself - because bringing him into my life would mean that I would have to be accountable to another person. 

In the case of the guy that broke my heart, I detested him. It was easier to think of him as the heartless, spineless, tactless, jerk who never cared about me and was put onto this earth to reject me. (Because the world revolved around me and I wasn't worth loving... LMFAO). It was easier to hold on to my anger than actually taking a moment, breathing and seeing beyond myself. If my 20 year old self had stopped for a moment. Just stopped.  Stopped whining, stop clinging, stop fighting,  I would have realized much earlier that the break up had very little to do with me.  I would have seen a young guy torn between caring for me deeply and fighting against his own panic of not knowing what he wanted from life (who ever know what they want?). We probably would have been friends sooner or even had a much easier transition to get through the complicated shit (the ex to friend thing is a relatively streamlined process for me now). 


So Mo,  I've grown up,  I know I want my ex in my life.. How do I deal?

1. Its not for everybody.  It takes emotional maturity.  Half the battle is really letting go of your expectations, but being realistic. The crazy emotional shit needs to be packed and out the window.  If you want to bitch about the new guy or girl in your life because you need a fresh perspective alright, trying power plays to make the person jealous makes you look pathetic.  Friending your ex for the purposes of  "its better than nothing" is not cool on so many levels.  Be friends with your ex, because your life is enhanced with their presence, not because you are trying to hold onto the glory days a moment longer. Also, understand that not every person you date is going to want to see your face again (I was lucky in that.. I'm stubborn as shit and don't take rejection at face value... I'm the one that never went away mwuahahahahahaha).  

First off... if your ex abused you, cross this option off of your list and cut them out.  Trying to befriend the jerk who beat the shit out of you  and verbally abused you isn't wise, it's stupid and you need therapy and good slap in the face.  Wait a MINIUMUM of 3 months from the point of your final breakup or goodbye sex encounter of ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT before you revisit the option.  No texting, no facebook, nothing, even if you have shared bills... there is online payment.  Because, if you think you are going to go from spending every weekend together to lunch dates with no feelings in a week, you are wrong.  3 months at least gives you enough time to reestablish a new routine, numb the pain, and fit in a new date (if that is an option to you).  For a longer relationship - double this span of time to 6 months to a year. 




2. Sex: Yes... I'm bringing up the sex bomb.  Lets desensitize you: SEX,SEX,SEX,SEX,SEX,SEX,SEX,SEX,SEX,SEX,SEX,SEX,SEX,SEX,SEX,

If you are committed to being friends with your ex... 90% of the time - you need to effectively and mentally neuter your ex.  Sex only complicates things. Especially if you are a woman.  For girls,  Sex = We are bonding = I'm Special =Love... Nope honey... for most men... especially exes who have not expressed a SPECIFIC and FLAT OUT desire to say "Will you be my girlfriend again?" Sex = Sex = Cool, if its there = Fun. 

Depending how drunk you are and how long its been since either of you have been with someone, you are fair game. Think about it.  Most men will take the lazy way out - if you are there and potentially willing - you will probably get a pass.  Maybe you think your ex, might be hurt if you turn them down - most likely he will thank you the next day for not giving into his stupid  horny demons. If you choose to take the option of ex-sex (it is okay - you are consenting adults) - You better have a VERY open and communicative relationship and lay out expectations on the table.  

The sex part is hard, especially with someone you once loved and its easy to say... "well.. we've done it before - no biggie" (again...the friends that can do this without damage are very rare.. and is the exception to the rule). Personally, its better to share your body with a person who wants to commit to exploring your passions and grow into that relationship with you - instead of rehashing the same spiel. The best way to skirt around the sexual frustration side of your friendship with your ex is talking about it.  Avoiding the issue at all makes the topic taboo, which leads to it becoming interesting, which leads to making it new (making you want to do it even more).  If you make these conversations a part of your normal - sex becomes as boring and innocuous of a conversation as the weekly news.  If it comes up, say it, acknowledge it, crack a joke, and move on.


3. Significant Others:
  
So.. you guys are friends.  You spend the night at each others houses, you talk for hours, you guys even say "I love you" without the loaded meaning..... Then the other person butts in and ruins it all. 


It's only a matter of time, is all I can really say. Even if you have pushed the idea of ever having a "relationship", years have past, and you are "over it"... face the facts that you will NEVER be 100% over it.  You are going to get twinges of jealousy when they talk about that new girl or guy.  Does it mean you're still in love with them? Honestly, 9 times out of 10... probably not.  What you are feeling is actually your own selfishness because you feel you have a claim on that person... and most of the time you don't want to share.  Think about it.  Most of you have best friends that you have had since you were childhood. When that person introduces a new friend,... you automatically feel like you are being replaced and do whatever you can to establish your tenure. Is it really any different?


I had the pleasure of seeing one of my exes getting married this Summer. I am completely and utterly over him, I have been for YEARS.  I felt a twinge of sadness when he got married...(Note...don't ever sing at your exes wedding or speak...or wear black... guests who know are aware of your old relationship will automatically assume you are psychotic - even if you are spouting congrats and your ex absolutely respects you as a close friend)  not because he was the one who got away,  or because I felt he married the wrong person, or even because I regretted anything that happened... but because it was the end of a chapter in one area of our friendship.  When your ex gets married or has a significant other... it doesn't mean the friendship ends - but you have a level of conduct, propriety, and boundaries that you have a moral obligation maintain.  I really don't give a shit if your married best friend / ex still thinks its okay to plop onto your bed (alone) on Saturday nights and watch Adult Swim... its not okay.  Maybe you two might understand... but its kind of hard to maintain a close friendship if their wife / girlfriend / boyfriend etc see's you as an object of jealousy and scorn.  If you want to plop on the couch with him and his wife, and they are cool with you, and it is out in the open - okay  - cool. 

The litmus test of "is your ex/friend a douche/bitch is very simple. Ask to meet their significant other... if they make excuses for this VERY IMPORTANT ...,even if its only once, meeting to happen.. I would severely question their motives of friendship or even why this is occurring.. because last time I checked, this was a sign of a healthy relationship.  If they want to compartmentalize AFTER you meet the GF/BF/Husband/Wife/It... than you can hit that issue when  it happens.


Also, if you are starting a relationship. You have an obligation to both your partner and your friend to fully disclose the nature of your friendship. Its not fair to either one if you have to lie and say, "Yeah... we are only friends"... Omitting your history is lying. period, no discussion.  The moment you feel like you need to lie about your relationship to either party... you should really evaluate if that is the right person to have in your life. If your ex/friend is psychotically jealous... you shouldn't be friends with them.. if your significant other thinks you are a weirdo and says you need to dump your friend - you need to dump that person.. because that is an early sign of deeper set issues. In both cases, use your tact.  It doesn't mean you have to bring it up on the first date, but your partner should be duly informed around the time they are exposed to the person. 

3. In the case that you guys are both single: 

This is an interesting thing to deal with and it is my current situation. We were each others last significant relationship (its been 4 1/2 years).  However, our history can be called "complicated"... as most human relationships are.  Even though we live across country from each other, its safe to say that we stay pretty informed on each others life and have a deep level of familiarity and understanding that many of our friends and family find odd and confusing. 

People like to see a happy ending and a romantic movie.  Think about it? You dated once, now you guys are close, neither of you have seemed to be able to find someone else despite trying... Next thing you know people will say.. "Why don't you marry so and so... (s)he's there... "  or... "Oh - its only a matter of time"... Cut the bullshit and don't feed into it. Realize that people talk out of their asses and realize humans are lazy and look for easy solutions. Those people weren't in your relationship to know why it didn't work out. It doesn't cross out the possibility - but if you start listening to it and let your mind play with it- you will drive yourself nuts... for the simple reason that you are lonely, what is familiar is easy...etc etc... etc... The easiest way to disarm this conversation with people is with sarcastic humor (My favorite is saying that "Didn't you know? I'm pregnant with his bastard child) or simply asking - "You really think so? Do you know something that I don't?"

 

Dating others: My ex and I are actively trying to date other people. Do we talk about it? ... Hell yes! Do we go into jealous fits of rage? Nope - not us.


Are we freaks of nature? Probably, its not normal.  But there is a trick to being able to do it. 

A). Be supportive. If your ex is talking to you about other people they date, it is cause they feel safe and want to share a piece of their life with you. The best thing you can give them is your blessing and a loud encouraging WOOT!  If you happen to meet or see the other person... encourage them... be friendly - give them a chance - don't be a harpy.

B). Offer advice... when solicited. If you start offering your input on everything they do and criticize every person they date... its not really cool.  Even if you think the person is uglier than sin and looks like Jabba the Hutt - if they think that is cute...

C). Some information should be "Need to know" - If you guys have hash sessions about over-analyzing dates... its one thing. Actively talking about the intricate and intimate details of your sex life like its Sex and The City is TMI.  Each ex/friendship has its level of comfort - it depends.  The most important thing to remember is DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO HEAR EVERYTHING.  Its okay to set up limits and boundaries. This is someone that you cuddled, loved, got emo over... etc.. if it bother's you about hearing how he /she kissed another person and gave them a similar nickname.. or that they were better than you... simply say, "Hey... I appreciate your willingness to share that with me, I just don't feel comfortable with it".  It doesn't make you a jealous psycho-ex or even still in love ... its just you have a limit.. and being friends doesn't mean you have to absorb everything. Which leads to the next thing. 


D).  Just because you are best friends, doesn't entitle you to know everything. Don't be mad, jealous, offended, affronted, or take it personally if you start asking questions and get vague answers.  Admit it - new people are funny territory. Even if you can handle the info, it doesn't mean you are entitled to it.  I would even suggest that you simply not ask about the other person's relationships beyond the basics of names,  "How is it going?" unless the other person obviously and organically starts a conversation on the topic. If you want to offer advice and observations based on your experience dating that person... a simple, "Can I offer my opinion? " might suffice.





4. Feelings Change....



Oh.. dear... this is fun.  Coming off of the single thing.  This is probably the most important thing to address in being friends with your ex. The relationship might be perfect.  You get along, they understand you better than anyone, you are both single.... and BAM... one person starts feeling beyond friends again... those mother hen hugs... turn into wanting more from that hug. 


Can you ever go back? 


It's called a break up, because it is broken... yes.. that is true... but it's different if you guys have become friends and created a new relationship. I have this conversation ALOT with my gal-pals and with my guy friends.  It's an existential conversation that often refers to the spark... etc... etc. 

Is it possible to fall in love all over again?... yes... entirely... but with a very important difference.  Rekinding a romance with a person you used to date will almost NEVER feel like the first time you dated them. This makes the feelings of wanting to get back with a person... or possibly dating them.. very freaking confusing. We are conditioned to assume falling in love again will be like the obsessiveness of those first days and giddy smiles.  I could get into the science in another post - but - essentially the roller-coaster butterflies aren't coming back.. and if that is what you expect... you are in for a hopeless romantic's crash to reality . Realistically, It will be fairly anti-climactic and the only way you will truly know that crazy emotional high is if it drives you nuts to know that they will be with someone else and not you. Or if every person you date after them is missing the "click" that you only get with that person (the click and the spark ...though connected are entirely different mechanisms).


Which brings up the question...

"If my ex wants to stay friends with me, but doesn't rule out the possibility of other things... are they really just putting me on a shelf to keep around as their backup?"  

Unless you both have said, I'M NEVER OPENING THAT DOOR WITH YOU AGAIN.. loud and clear on a microphone, its safe to say.. yep... probably.. and you probably are both guilty of doing it to each other.  Its normal and in the scope of psychology makes perfect sense.  Keep in mind, I doubt a person who was only keeping you around for leftovers would take the time to get involved with your life and be a friend.  

If the person is a fair-weather friend, dropping in to say hi and flirting long enough to keep you interested, dangles the "someday maybe" carrot ....not good. 


If the person calls you as equally as you call them and you have a genuine friend relationship... Its all good.


Is it a bad thing? It depends on the relationship and how you look at it. In an ideal world, you guys would have never broken up. But life isn't ideal. The reality and undoing of humans is that we never know what we want, when we have it...we take it for granted, when we can't have it... we want it more, we get scared, shit happens, timing sucks, we are all going to die, the sky is falling, the world is ending in 2012!  My socks don't match.. .LIFE IS COMPLICATED and most relationships aren't linear. Being put on a shelf is not necessarily the kiss of death and not exactly the most insulting thing in the world. Sure you might say, "WELL I WASN'T FIRST CHOICE, SO IT DOESN'T COUNT AND THEY ARE JUST SETTLING!" .. really... if we all got our first choices.. we would be killing each other to marry Brad Pitt or Megan Fox. The Law of Averages.. if you will.  If relationships are perfect - we wouldn't have the "One that got away" now would we?


If you are very close friends with your ex, the what-if conversations are inevitable. It is human nature to play with the possibilities. But that is the key word... play. Just because you hear the occasional, "We would be great" or "Too bad things didn't work out, we were kind of perfect together," It doesn't mean anything without someone taking deliberate action to back it up at the end of the day.  Words are words and can be interpreted many different ways.

If you are in a position, where you think you might want to give it another go with your ex - wait.  Just wait and date.  Wait and date, is my best advice... especially if that girl or guy was the last person you had a relationship with. For the most part ... when it comes to exes - it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out if you love and want to be with the the person or not.  Hold your tongue on moving things to a different level until you are VERY FUCKING SURE you can't see yourself not being with that person.  Hold it in until you can't stand it anymore and there are very few possibilities that you might actually want someone else. Don't let yourself fall into the .. "let's see where it goes / I may or may not like you"  - it is alot more complicated with exes than it is with a person you just met. It took you a long time to build trust and a loving relationship - don't blow it on an if or maybe.

At the end of the day, if the subject comes up you have the option to say yes or no.  I don't believe you should reward consistently inconsistent and bad behavior... but you are a big boy or girl, you know what you can take... and don't listen to what anyone says otherwise. (If you find yourselves BOTH always saying maybe and never wanting to shut the door... maybe its time to evaluate the reasons for that and be really honest with yourself)

At the end of the day, don't cling to something that isn't there and don't search for meaning in parts and pieces.  Its the platypus analogy, "3 Blind men feel it up, one thinks its a duck, another, a beaver, another says its a giant rat." - Interpreting the pieces doesn't mean you can identify the whole and be correct. If there is nothing to grab onto just dash it out of your mind.  Being a hopeless romantic doesn't help you grow, it makes you what the title implies... Hopeless and Tortured.


In conclusion to this diatribe: 

Go forth.. and be fruitful in friendship and love my children. Let love blossom and grow, because it doesn't have to end. Be friends to the end, you might surprise yourself.  



In my case, I've gained a wonderfully fun Rubiks cube that I analyze and can count on to knock sense into me when I'm befuddled, I have another friend who is a computer genius and will be the best father known to a beautiful little girl named Rosalind, and another friend who wonderfully loyal, gives the best hug,s and can always give me car advice =) 



I asked one of the boys at my job, "Who do you want to marry?" ... his reply?... 

Guess for yourself....




Nite, nite, 


Mo







Running: Notes and Tips From a Chubby Girl on the Ground

Posted by Gordita In The City Friday, October 15, 2010 2 comments

**Long.. but if you scroll past all the narrative there is some minor advice / tips that I've found helpful and is geared towards extreme beginners like myself. **

Midterms are next week, I have 2 - 7 page essays due, a 10 page story, and reading Huckleberry Finn, Madame Bovary, Notes from The Underground, and a few others to finish by Tuesday.  ADHD procrastination and panic is sinking in... so I took Dr. Hallowell's (the genius writer of Delivered from Distraction) advice to utilize exercise as a stress reliever. 

Imagine...Its Thursday, October 14th, 10PM ... a dark rainy night in Cambridge, MA

You plug in your iPod, strap in your sneakers, bump your music and you release.  Feet pounding on the pavement. The treads of your nice expensive, newly white sneakers mingle with the gritty texture of the jogging trail, making beats that David Guetta would envy. You are in the zone. Breath, breath, breathe, keep the pace, pump it up, slow it down. Man's best friend wags his tail, panting and looking up at you, wondering what kind of crazy person you are. Nothing matters.  

You are in the zone - then... WHACK!!  Your ankle bends to the side.  Next thing you know, you have rolled and subsequently careened into a group of kind of cute (and definitely unsuspecting) college guys. As you awkwardly get up.  Your cute dog decides that exact time is the ABSOLUTE PERFECT and necessary moment to take a poop as you apologize to the ever adorable (Nick) profusely for the intrusion. (No bone for you Azure!)

My best guy friend was right to laugh and regard me as absolutely clumsy when he caught me running awkwardly with my dog this summer in Cali. Its true, I'm a fish out of water when it comes to running. If you stick me in the water, I would put flipper to shame when it comes to swimming. On land - I have the grace of newly born Bambi.    


Flashback:
Running is not fun, especially when you have two busted up knees, weak ankles, and extra adipose tissue that jiggles and moves at will.  There is a special breed of person who has found it to be some strange form of Zen,  maybe running is a wonderful release, for me its a clumsy, beautiful nightmare. Since 1995, I have been doing every thing I can to avoid running.  Every PE class I had since Baldwin Elementary to San Gabriel High School, I have avoided it at all costs. I gave high school athletics a try at one point, eventually nature had different plans when I was diagnosed with an arrhythmia (irregular heartbeat... the kind of stuff that kills perfectly healthy athletes like this texas football player) after fainting and praying to the porcelain gods at practices and meets.  I was warned to not engage in strenuous cardiac activity, especially when I got chest pains.  At, that point - I was a sprightly 14 years old and 140 pounds. 

Back to the future / present: 

Unfortunately, as much as I would like to bask in my jiggly-ness and have everyone leave me alone - I happen to be an adrenaline junkie. I like to do things like wander into strange woods and jump off of extremely high cliffs, and I would love to do things like actual mountain biking, rock climbing, and outback trail hiking just because I love nature and its grittily amazing. Its not that my weight will stop me, but my endurance and physical fitness has a current limit. So, as I took up kickboxing, the shadowboxing and bags were good until we got to conditioning...

If you ever try actual MMA-style Muay Thai... not that bitch shit you get in your average Bally's or YMCA, you will find that most people.. while they can lift weights on machines and jog on a treadmill for an hour (I can do this on an elliptical trainer)... most people can barely handle their own body weight as form of resistance.  At SGHS, we had a PE teacher who was ripped, his sister (another trainer) came in... and even though she was tiny... she kicked his ass in calisthenics.  The best and hardest workouts I have had have come from manipulating and maneuvering my own body weight and being able to master that and have a good hold on that makes sense. If I'm going to be running up mountains and climbing over rocks, I have to be aware of my body and be able to use it (afterall... its not like being able to lift a 150 barbell is going to matter if I need to hoist my fat ass up a branch.. the weight is distributed differently).

So... regardless of my arrhythmia, screwed up joints, and natural resistance to exercise - I decided to stop making excuses and find a way to make up for my deficits.  I'm able to say.. I'll do this... even if it kills me (I've been technically dead once already...if I have Venus' genes... I have at least 7 more lives left).


So... You want to run? And you don't know where to get started? 

Well... instead of hearing an expert who can run a full 10k without breaking a sweat - maybe hearing it from someone who is going through the laborious pain and effort themselves might be a bit inspiring, in turn... maybe this will encourage me to try harder.. knowing that others can see the effort and might even ripple off changes of their own.  I know, this weird experiment of mine would be possible without being inspired by my guy friend who took a leap of faith... and actually accomplished and succeeded in what he set out to do. (Thank you for being oddly wonderful and sparking my fighter spirit)

1. Women: Its hard to start running if you are part of the big tittie committee.  So, I'm going to introduce you to your new best friend
This company based in SF, California specializes in sports gear for women. They have an EXCELLENT selection of sports bra's based on a barbell system for strength.: http://www.titlenine.com

 My personal favorite is the "Frog Bra"    Made out of a whopping 36%  Spandex... its the first and ONLY sports bra I have used that keeps it in and keeps it together.  I can run at a full pace in this thing with minimal bouncing. The largest boob size this thing can handle effectively is about a size 40 DD.  I usually layer another spandex/tight workout tank top that has a built in shelf bra for extra support.  Its strong enough to make me look flat chested (if you know me you might have seen this thing) .  Its not pretty and it mashes.. but it works.  If your name is Yosemite Sara, I would suggest the Enell "Last Resort Bra" which is better for those above a DDD.

2.  Bottoms:  For women... especially with thicker thighs. DO NOT RUN IN SHORTS (chafing hurts)! I know you might be self conscious of your rolls and not appreciative... but look.. if you are running, wearing baggy sweats is not the most comfortable or flattering thing to wear.  I've tried running in baggy sweats and most of the time (due to all the flapping about) I find myself fussing with the waistband, trying to keep my pants from falling down, rather than concentrating on my run or pace.  At the end of the day, it is personal preference, but try running in a pair of thick leggings. Not those yoga pants that are tight on the thigh but loose at the bottom, leggings... I find that they reduce friction and I feel lighter, plus, it is tight enough where I am not fussing with where anything is moving or stringy waist bands.

3. Shoes:  I cannot stress this enough. I know its tempting to just go to your local famous footwear or cheaper store and get a pair of whatever running shoes. Don't.  In my case, since I am heavier and have been injured, I have a low arch and I over-pronate.  Might sound like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo - but because I was running in crappy shoes (that weren't laced properly) I fell to my side and threw out my knee for a month.

Google a store in your area that specializes in running, take the time, spend the money (think of it as a 1-2 year investment on your health and possible embarrassment), and get fitted properly.  Nike IS NOT the end all and be all of running shoes.  Those cross trainers you wear are fine for aerobics but are pretty crappy for walking/running. I got a pair of the pictured Asics Gel Revolution 5's ... they have extra support on the instep for pronation and come in narrow AND wide widths.  I paid about $120 dollars and it was pretty weird the 1st few times since my feet weren't used to being supported properly... but I haven't fallen since and I can move much better.

3. Motivation and tracking: Make things easier on yourself.  My iPod is my life and they have made working out very friendly. Personally, I'm really frigging lazy.  Half the times I didn't work out or run was because I felt it was too tedious to keep track of time, distance, pace, etc etc.  Luckily... technology has changed that.

I have an iPod touch (***this also works with the iPhone 3g and 4) and I use the Nike Plus Sensor 

It's amazing... accurate... (much more than a pedometer) and has helped (so far) to keep me motivated. I'm a techie geek sure... but if it takes the guess work out of something that I already find laborious and complicated... might as well make it fun. In another blog I can extol on all the fun I am having with technology... but for no more than $30 its like having a coach right there with you. It warns you of things like half way points...3/4... keeps track of your fastest mile, 5k... etc... etc.

If you have an Android phone, download Worksmart's "cardio trainer"

It is free in the Android market and also the App Store for iPods & iPhones. My friend has been using this and he has had alot of success with it.  

5. A program: This is tricky... at this moment... in tandem with my Kickboxing classes I downloaded an app onto my iPod called "Couch to 5K" . So far I LOVE it. Its a pretty approachable 9 week program that you can integrate with the Nike Sensor... or purely on its own. There is a number of people who are staunch beginners and swear by it.  It is structured in 3 day a week, 30 minute runs.  You start off doing interval training (1st week is 90 seconds walking, 60 seconds running) and the app tells you when to run, when to walk, all while you are able to listen to your music etc. So far... its doing me good and is providing me a pretty simple structure that really isn't that intimidating. The goal is to be able to run a 3.1 mile in under 30 minutes at the end of the 9 weeks.

5. Pain and embarrassment:  Oh...yeah - You are going to hurt, you aren't going to want anybody seeing you jiggle or sweaty, and certainly looking ugly in your practical gear.  GET OVER IT! It might sound harsh... but the world beyond your friends and acquaintances doesn't really care enough about you to pay more than a few minutes attention to you. I careened into a group of guys... beyond the moment of contact and a laugh... they were onto the next thing and I walked off my limp. Nobody is really going to be looking at you for your whole work out saying... GOSH LOOK AT HOW FAT or GOSH look at how unfashionable that person looks... get in, get out, do your thing.

Joint Pain: Take 3 Ibuprofens an hour BEFORE you work out to help guard against inflammation. Drink tons of water and if you must, take glucosamine and chondroitin supplements... it works.

Weak ankles or shot knees:  Use a flexible brace with an open patella or a simple band that has a patella support.. most knee pain comes from this region due to inflammation of the tendon. Stretching will help... but the key is to prevent unnecessary movement of the joint.  For the ankle, a simple Rite-Aid wrap will do the trick.. Not pretty... but it will save you on your insurance.

Fatigue: Eat  a small amount of lean protein... not carbs... before you work out.  Especially if you are doing anaerobic exercise like interval training.  The carbs will burn off like crazy and you will be ravenous after... have a few nuts and some water handy for afterward. 



5. Encouragement: Its hard.  It sucks, you are going to hurt, your feet will hate you, your dog will try to trip you, people will make fun of you at times, but... its alright.  The key isn't to look at yourself as the next tri-athlete, its to get through the day and your workout. If you need to feel sorry for yourself for being an out of shape loser... feel it... acknowledge the pain... then just let it go.

Sure , visualizing yourself two months later thinner, more fit, etc at the end might motivate you, but it will also make you impatient, maybe even frustrated if you aren't seeing quick results.  Take solace in the small victories.  Today I was able to do every interval without stopping or catching a breath... its barely week one... but the fact that I stuck through that one little thing even though I wanted to stop made a big difference.

I'm going to get off my soapbox now.  I hope this is remotely helpful. At least for me, writing about it keeps me accountable and feeling somewhat useful.  If its any consolation...Azure is out of shape too, he barely keeps up with me, he has a weight loss goal of 1 pound according to his Vet.

Nite nite =)

Mo

Big Girl You are Beautiful... Sort Of

Posted by Gordita In The City Thursday, October 14, 2010 1 comments


 "Tell Monique that she is beautiful, talented, smart, engaging warm, enchanting, a doll...but unfortunately, most men do not have the intelligence to see past her body and see the beautiful amazing young woman she is and this will cause her alot of pain. She might get lucky and find someone enlightened, but they are far and few. Tell her if she just lost...."  (Ay dios mio! Me jodas cabron! Vete pa carajo!)


Well, Well, Well. Aren't we all told that there is someone out there for everyone? That we are all beautiful because its what is on the inside that counts?

Sorry... but if you are overweight in America, you are kind of assed out and you don't really count.  Sure there are a handful of people who will like you... but the grand majority would rather you shed a few pounds or prefer for you to give up your succulent booty for behind closed doors fat fantasy play, only to discard you for someone much less interesting, (but with a much lower BMI than you).

 Now... mind you...the man who stated this very much loved a woman who is the same size 18 as me (but of course... he is one of the enlightened ones who can see my inner beauty, right?).  Why would his opinion count? Who gives a shit? Because... unfortunately, prejudice against obesity is one of the last strongholds here in the United States.

1. I have a friend of mine who works on Newbury St (The Rodeo Dr. Of Boston) who tells me stories of how her bosses won't hire "unattractive girls"... I've yet to walk into a store that carries plus sizes.

2. I have friends who are server's that told me they have seen tables full of guys change their waitress if she was fat, one chubby waitress friend of mine has gotten stiffed on tips several times because the tip was intended for the "cute" hostess.

3. I was once told by a teacher of mine that my acting skills were superb and it was a shame that I was chubby since I had leading lady potential, but only if  I dropped down near 110 -120.

4. Don't even get me started on the litany of Seth Rogen-esque men I know who (despite admitting that they don't consider themselves to be top notch) would probably not like to date a girl their same size, unless under extenuating circumstances (another blog post to come).. (I'm not demonizing their personal choices.. its just interesting how the male brain works)

 Being chubbier... or Gordita ,if you will, is even more painful when it comes to your family.

I have family members (most of them are skinny or formerly skinny) who constantly remind me that I would be, "so much prettier" if I lost the weight.  To consider a tummy tuck, lap band, don't eat after six PM.  Once, one of them decided to take away half of my food  (a #1 from In and Out) and say.. "you've had enough... you don't need anymore."

Even my dad has looked at me with mild disgust or click of the tongue... telling me coldly that I could stand to skip a meal when I mention I'm hungry, look at the things I eat (even if it is something small)  and say, "Mija, you are overeating... you have an addiction - a problem.." (even if it was my 1st and ONLY MEAL OF THE FUCKING DAY! ). He is overweight himself and has his own issues. It isn't too much longer after that when he begins to laud my intelligence and other virtues.

Which segways into dating....

I'm not ugly.  I say this, not because of an inflated ego, but because people tell me ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME that I have a gorgeous/pretty/ cute/ face. Time and again, I'm told I'm photogenic.. etc.. etc. Sometimes people are even shocked to find out that I have been single for 5 years.

Honestly, sometimes I wish I was really ugly so people and men would just leave me the fuck alone. This may sound angry, but bear with me. If I hear another person tell me, "you're pretty, but you would be SOO HOT if you just lost a little bit of weight" - I might just bomb a small city in Kansas for shits and giggles.

Let me put it like this:  I'm 5'2,  206 pounds (I regained some weight during my peachy keen summer in California and its melting off thanks to WW just fine), I wear a size 16/18, and I have the same measurements around my chest as I do my hips making me a technical hourglass though my gut fights against that.

Most people think I carry my weight well - some even argue when I call myself "fat"... preferring that I use some euphemism like chubby, fluffy, thick, curvy...
nope - sorry folks - just fat.  I don't see it as an insult - I see it as the smacking and all-liberating truth...

yes I AM FAT!  Let's desensitize you now:
FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT,FAT!

According to the theory of Intersectional Invisibility (google it) , I'm marginalized three times over - I'm a female, minority, and overweight. At least in Boston... being female helps my dating life and being a minority lends me a sense of exoticism that some males tend to find appealing (That is a whole other blog post). That leaves me with "overweight."

Quite honestly, that really isn't much of an obstacle either... apparently, many different males have found me attractive ... many of them superb examples of cuteness themselves and NOT overweight. I have no problem getting males to pay attention to me, after all, I have enough things to say and natural endowments to come across as appealing. My gregarious and understanding nature makes it hard for anyone to have a bad date with me. I know if I put on some makeup and a dress, I will at least get 2 phone numbers and several solicitations for a night of fun.

Just the other day I had two douche bags from the BC Football team (one was absolutely gorgeous) trail me in a bar and continually solicit me for a romp with "Vanilla and Chocolate".  I said "Not interested, there are plenty of hotter chicks, stupider chicks in here you could talk to that will happily fall for your cheap lines" ... apparently getting shot down by the short chubby chick who wasn't impressed with his high paying broker job didn't sit well, because he told me I had just lost my chance at hooking up with "the best looking white guy in the room and would probably not get another offer else where".

I didn't ask for it, didn't talk to them,  I wasn't even remotely dressed revealingly... yet something signaled to these guys that I must be some kind of freak looking for a hot good time. Its interesting, because I meet SO MANY men who assume it is okay to talk to me like that. Several times... I have heard the disgusting, "Is it true fat girls are good in bed" or a lurid " I bet you can give a good blow job - I'm sure you can... you are hungry for some chorizo.. aren't you?" ... its DISGUSTING!

And if its not a disgusting drunk come-on, its a perfectly nice, well rounded guy who finds himself attracted to my personality and sense of humor.  Generally we have a good conversation, everything is wonderful... and then the truth comes out... he has never really been with a big girl... but I'm interesting. Later on, it will turn out that I'm very attractive, great friend material, and there is a ton of chemistry... he just can't put his finger as to why he couldn't date me. Normally this guy ends up bitching to me about how his (usually thinner but not necessarily pretty or interesting ) girlfriend treats him like shit, how he wishes she was basically me... and that I would find someone eventually - but I would have every guy all over me if I just dropped a "few" pounds.

 It bears some truth to what some of my chubby girlfriends and very honest best guy friends say about how chubby girls are like a moped, "fun to ride, but not in public."  That they will rarely get a man to take them seriously beyond being considered the occasional at home movie date or chick to chill with.

In this dismal, honest, sardonic, and pretty fucked up view of the world through chubby colored glasses, what does one do?

Well...that's a toughie. God willing, even if I lose all 66 pounds to get down to 140 (a perfectly healthy realistic size 12 for me).. the luster of that accomplishment will be taken away by the overwhelming fact that I did what society wanted me to do.  Even if I sit there all day and say the weight loss was for me... and it was my victory.. my desire... the reality is that the desire to change would have probably not have been as strong if people simply encouraged that I was beautiful the way I was and let me be.

I picture what my life would be like and I can only use the example of a girl I go to school with who did the same thing.  She was 250lbs,  and in one year, she dropped down to 140. 

Since then, More guys pay attention to her.. even ask her out on dates as opposed to "lets hang at my house"; People are nicer and offer her free stuff at stores, her clothes are cheaper and she has more energy.  But even with all that... she is miserable.

Once you have been fat.  You will always be fat. Nothing will ever erase the little chubby girl or boy you were inside.  Anytime a new guy pays attention to you, you will always ask yourself - "Is it me he really liked? Would he have ever paid attention to me if he saw the fat version?" 

When you eat or even overeat... you will worry that "the fat kid" will rage again and do everything you can to prevent it.. even if you made slow life changes and kept the weight off. 

Eventually, you will turn on the people who were just like you.  You say, "nope I won't.. I'll always be a fat person"... but you will make the same excuses to reject them, as people made to reject you when you were fat. Most people that lose weight would not consider dating an obese partner.  Mostly for the practical reasons of wanting to date a person who shares the same "health values," however, its okay, because you worked hard to get where you are at and everybody can change their circumstances...fat people who bitch and stay fat are simply lazy or not utilizing their options.

The way I see it, losing weight and becoming skinnier isn't a freedom... its just a roomier box. Once you know that place of hurt, degradation, pain, and suffering of having been fat... it never goes away - it numbs but you will always be hyper aware. You can put a silver plating on a penny... but it doesn't make it silver dollar.


I leave you with an analogy. When I was younger, I was left handed. My mother read in Dr. Spock that it is a "right-hand world" ...people who are left handed will always have trouble. Well guess what the crazy old bat did? She went against nature and trained me to be right handed, confusing me in the process.  How did I cope... I became ambidextrous. I learned to straddle that funny borderland and turn it into my own unique thing. I can write with both hands... but I'm loopy and creative like a left-handed weirdo.

Going back to the beginning.

1. Society agrees that I'm a catch...but I could improve.
(Thanks for the suggestions... take it up with my genes, hire me a personal trainer, and pay for my Weight Watchers since you are so generous to point it out...while you are at it... here is a list of things including your tact that you could improve on)

2. Most guys are too stupid not to be able to see past my body into the awesomeness that is Mo.
 (Gee, because I really want to date that guy?  If it means I have to be alone for awhile.. better alone than in stupid company.  How about you must be this "tall" to ride?  Guess what assholes... in 30 years when your libido has sank, you can't keep it up, your testosterone levels have dropped , and that skinny girl's body looks like mine, stretch marks and flab ... and believe me... it will.... you will be WISHING she had half of the interesting qualities that I ALREADY POSSESS at the tender young age of 25...plus I will look nearly a decade younger)

3. It's a skinny person's world.
(You see, that is why there are loud mouthed chicks like me who aren't afraid to break off and create their own insular communities...even if it serves the selfish purposes of making me feel better, the point is that.. even if I am the minority and most people would prefer me to conform, I take my happy little middle finger, cock it up with a smile and say god bless you, I'm here to stay.. and I'm not shutting up.  Stand up and use your voice! Now move out of my goddamn way!)



By the way...for the most part...Yes, the rumors are true... but that is another blog post.


Thanks for listening... next time... relationship advice geared towards McSexy or perhaps online dating... weigh in and fulfill my selfish needs for recognition and comment or at least discuss this nonsense.

About Mo

Posted by Gordita In The City Monday, October 4, 2010 0 comments


Why the hell did I start this blog?

This blog is an offshoot of a few creative projects I started working on back in 2008,  A collection of short stories I hope to finish by 2012 and two plays.  As an avid consumer of female centered media, its hard not to notice the lack of characters that look or remotely resemble my demographic. I'm chubby, Latina, Middle-Class, and have ADHD (so does the rest of America).

Inherently, all blogs are narcissistic and self-serving.  Writing  a blog allows one to jump on a pedestal and say "I'm here, I count,I'm important, I need attention".  Not too long ago when AOL was still big, I was a very angry young lady who crawled all over the internet looking for answers to why I hated my body, felt disconnected from my cultural identity, and couldn't organize to save my life. Often times, the best advice I ever came across was found in a blog.   I want this to exist so that someone can find answers or at least camaraderie.  I'm pretty sure that there are dozens of Gorditas who are on the internet trying to find a place like I once was.  At the end of the day, this is for everybody. Doesn't matter if you are male, female, gay, straight, or skinny - we live in a world of universal truths, I just happen to look at those truths through the lens of a chubby Latina with ADHD...which makes things interesting.

Why I get irked.

Media commonly portrays Latina chicks in the following Stereotypes:

-"The Coconut" - Ashamed of their heritage or trying to fit in to America

- "The Dark Horse" also known as America Ferrara - Assimilated, smart, talented,she struggles against a crumbling ghetto with a non-supportive family that doesn't speak English, while trying to escape poverty and "the cycle" a la Freedom Riders and Dangerous Minds

- "Stiff as A Board Room" - If the character is successful (This is what happens when the dark horse grows up ) she is usually very skinny and fair skinned with Caucasian features. Often than not she is out of touch with her heritage or comes from an extremely affluent family with foreign investments

"The Racially Ambiguous Hot Pot" - Sexy, slightly mysterious, and if it is a Latina actress playing the role... she character is almost always  an Italian or Greek

If it's a fat girl she is usually:
-The Side-kick
-The Best friend with the Sarcastic Sense of Humor
-The Cock-block
-Desexualized
-A diamond in the rough

At some point, I've been some, but not all of those things.

Stereotypes exist for a reason. At some point, they are all based in reality,  but the question becomes who's reality? It isn't my reality.  I love shows like "Sex in the City" and "Ugly Betty"; however, I never see anyone on that screen that looks like me.  I'm neither affluent nor poor, I'm average but it doesn't mean that it isn't entertaining. My world is perfectly middle class with adventures navigating  East LA, talking to people at Taco Trucks, hustling for Gas Money, failed dates, clothes from Target, dropping out and making it without a white teacher's guidance,..etc, etc. I find that there is a beauty in the middle area that people don't like to explore because we are too afraid to be bored.  Reality doesn't sell, but it sure is interesting.

I want to give a voice to girls that think they are ugly because they are big or not perfect. I'm by no means 100% confident, but the things that fill this blog are a living record of my journey to understand and comprehend it all.

This blog will contain anecdotes, advice, mayhem, the barrio, uptown, dreams, wishes, food, relationships , fat-girl ranting, gordita-pride,  and every contradiction in-between.


Why the name "Gordita in The City" ? 

Some people might find it to be offensive or even self-deprecating; however, I'm the kind of person that likes to call a spade a spade. I'm a woman who lives in a major metropolitan city who happens to be Latina and plus-size, it's that simple.

In Spanish, the word "gordita" is an affectionate nickname that roughly translates to "little chubby girl". It's very culturally Latino to poke fun at the obvious, we insult each other all the time because it's snarky and light-hearted.  Look, it isn't easy being fat. I cry and bleed like everyone else and I'm not going to sit and pretend like I'm okay with people who choose to overlook my existence.  Is it sarcastic... yes TOTALLY, angry...probably, full of humor because I have dealt with a lot of my issues...most definitely.

The title is definitely a nod to the stereotype of an "upwardly mobile twenty-something single woman who is pursuing a career in art and entertainment while trying to discover herself in the big urban sprawl" kind of character that you typically find in Chick-flicks and female oriented literature. 



This is my Gangster Face
My Story (Mi Historia, Eses)

Once upon a time... After exactly 23 years of residing in sunny (East) Los Angeles, California, a young, stunning, and vivacious (did I mention amazingly fluffy) young woman decided that she was restless... and wanted to go to a far away place where nobody knew her name in order to fulfill some strange coming-of-age need within her soul for existential discovery and adventure.

For many years she felt like an outcast in Los Angeles because she was ....different. 

Back to reality... 

My life isn't a fairytale -but what it would say is that this short, thick, lil Mexi-Cu-Rican ended up in a strange land called Boston, Massachusetts ( to be specific, North Cambridge) in the summer of 2008.


Since then I have:

1. Discovered (to my horror) that street food in Boston sucks and there is a noted lack of satisfactory  Mexican food.

2. Transferred and graduated from my 1st choice school - Emerson College - the most LA-Like, semi-bourgeois, hipster-mecca school in Massachusetts to pursue my dreams of being a broke, manic-depressive, destitute playwright or a Teacher (Writing, Literature, Publishing Major)

3. Explored the desolate, bewildering, creepy, shell-shocking, and frightening experience of being a loud Hispanic gal from East LA  trying to date in subdued New England (with often comical results that I shall happily share).

4. Found people who looked like me (I definitely got Caribbean genes) - But I talked, dreamt, and ate like a homegrown Chicana from East LA - I desired a bit of the barrio and the bourgeois - and I got righteously angry, excited, confused, relieved, and vexed by my odd experiences. 

5. Traveled back and forth from LA to Boston, to find even more zany, interesting, and certainly unique facets of myself.



....................................................

My experience moving to Boston is a pivotal part of this blog.  It changed my life completely and it was a very hard decision.  I figured I'd share the journal entry I wrote on Myspace the day that I moved so you can get a glimpse into the thoughts that made this project a reality.  Actually, the words that I write there sum up everything that goes into this blog.















Sunday, July 27, 2008 - I’m  going to Boston.. Finally..
    Current mood: 
    awake
    Hey everyone.. or which ever stupid losers ever bother to read this thing.  So .. if you haven’t heard.. which I don’t think everyone has.. I’m moving to Boston.. for good… well at least for good till I finish school or till I figure out this so called thing called life.
    I’m pretty excited. I suppose.. I like the idea.. I’m just kind of freaked out because its a big change. I’m leaving so much behind and for a good cause. Its pretty exciting and doesnt really feel that real yet. I guess when it does feel real.. i’ll choke and say.. “Mo… wtf did you do!” or I will look and say “” You did it you crazy bitch!” ..
    I wanna say thanks to some special people… Some that have stuck around and mattered for their little things… Thanks Sarita and Wendy,… for writing down our pact and for just being your selves. Thanks Jen.. for being that neutral voice that I seem to so desperately need nowadays… I love you much.. Thanks Valien for being your crazy self…and making my ass move. Thanks Christina for being my single road dog for the past months and helping me move my shit..  to Sara and Christina again for being my cuddle buddies..
    Thanks to Valerie.. and Family.. You guys are always in my heart.. even When I don’t see you.. to Lizz my sis for just giving a damn despite not wanting me to go…
    Everyone else.. thanks.. for making Cali memorable.. to all the stupid dumb fucks that are on my shit list.. thanks.. you give me a reason to laugh.. to that one special one.. look at me now you dumb bitch! lol..
    Actually… im just kinda nervous.. im moving to cambridge.. and I hope to get letters blah blah…

    heres the song of the moment

    “Boston”
    In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun…
    Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
    This world you must’ve crossed… you said…
    You don’t know me, you don’t even care, oh yeah,
    She said
    You don’t know me, and you don’t wear my chains… oh yeah,
    Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
    An open field,
    When flowers gaze at you… they’re not the only ones who cry
    When they see you
    You said…
    You don’t know me, you don’t even care, oh yeah,
    She said
    You don’t know me, and you don’t wear my chains… oh yeah,
    She said I think I’ll go to Boston…
    I think I’ll start a new life,
    I think I’ll start it over, where no one knows my name,
    I’ll get out of California, I’m tired of the weather,
    I think I’ll get a lover and fly em out to Spain…
    I think I’ll go to Boston,
    I think that I’m just tired
    I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind…
    I think I need a sunrise, I’m tired of the sunset,
    I hear it’s nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice… oh yeah,
    Boston… where no one knows my name… yeah
    Where no one knows my name…
    Where no one knows my name…
    Yeah Boston…
    Where no one knows my name.

Bienvenidos! Hola! Orale! Welcome

Welcome to the rantings and ravings of a twenty-something Latina who just happens to have ADHD , enjoys the luxuries of working class life in urbania, and believes strongly that women (and men) need to stop using body size as an excuse not to live their lives...as for being a minority.... well I like it spicy and mixed.

At this blog, I rep the West Coast ::insert gang sign here:: while moonlighting as an East Coaster.
As you stumble around you will find a pretty wide variety of things: advice, anecdotes, recipes, and pretty much whatever spews forth from my multi-faceted life.
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