Arr..me mateys. Shiver me timbers, I be stuck on this blustry night talking to ye scally wags that don't care what I am doing... Arrr.
Imagine.. .(Boy this is a cliche for me isn't it!)
You have a 7 page paper on Madame Bovary (which you have barely read.. if skimming counts) due on Tuesday.. in addition to Re reading a crap load of stuff you need to cram for, Midterms style. Spark Notes is open, you are listening to French Chanson music to get yourself in the mood. You tap your foot. Close your eyes as you sip your cheap Cafe Americano made out of really crappy and stale Folgers instant coffee, because that is all you are stuck with on your overnight shift at a house full of sleeping children who think it is fun to torture you with creepy noises until the middle of the night. You hear knocking upstairs... hoping it is a sadistic teenage boy... you investigate - its nothing. You breathe... very friggin deeply.. Shit. La Llorona and El Cucuy are doing it upstairs. You freak out. Fuck this. The people at work say its the ghost of the girl named "Andrea" that killed herself in the bathroom upstairs...double crap! You are on a productive streak (meaning you actually underlined a passage in the book). Ten minutes later.. you decide its a perfect time to stop and write a blog about avoiding stuff, because you want to avoid the things that you really shouldn't be avoiding.
So Here is my quickie guide on how to procrastinate effectively.
1. Blame EVERYTHING ELSE! - Everything is game, blame the ghost upstairs, the Banana in the kitchen for distracting you with it's brightness, your ex-boyfriend for breaking up with you years ago and giving you a complex, the dog for needed to walk, your mother for wanting to talk, the neighbors for breathing all the available oxygen.
2. Commit yourself to Perfection - When you write.. make sure you have THE EXACT PHRASE! Work on the same paragraph 8 times like you have a crazy OCD ala' Gustave Flaubert to get the right word. It will pay off and everyone will see you for the frustrated genius you are.
3. Start a new hobby - You know how you have always wanted to make your own homemade jam, a quilt, learn how to play Fantasy Football. Now is the time to do the research and learn how you do it!
4. Announce to everyone how hard life is - This will help you feel better. Because the world revolves around you and your problems.
5. Organize, Organize, Organize - In order to get your work in order. Spend six hours coming up with the perfect organization system to keep all your piled up tasks in order. Update your Google calendar, color code your homework. Now is the time to do it. Now! Now! Do it NOW!
6. Develop Acute Anxiety Disorder - Panic attacks. Enough Said - perfect for passing the time and giving your body an excuse to consume more coffee, adderall, pain killers, codeine, ibuprofen, wine, tequila, arsenic.. etc etc
7. Start a Blog and Dream - Set lots and lots of goals and deadlines. It makes you feel effective and busy. Holding yourself accountable is key. Dream about your graduation, promotion, and how you will fail miserably. This usually goes in tandem with panic attacks.
Happy Trails - I actually stuck to my Deadline of 5AM - Stick to the small victories =)
Nite nite,
Mo
Masterbation is like procrastination. It feels so damn good at the time; then you realize, you just fucked yourself.